Domestics
by WingedWolf121
Summary: Wherein Erik and Charles tackle daily life at the manor, and have somehow been deemed the mother and father of their charges. Whether they want to be or not. Includes foodfights, Erik's defeat by feline, failures in cooking, and Christmas. Charles/Erik
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So. This movie (which I saw in a totally legal way, just sayin') ate my brain. Because Charles and Erik are freaking married. Srsly. And you do not LEAVE your husband when he gets shot, Erik you moron! Nor do you leave your brother, Raven! (I love their siblingness.) And I went on deviant art, and I think there was a comic about a food fight or something that inspired this, but I have no idea what it was called, or how I found it. Soooo…yeah. I would post a link if I had one.**

**Disclaimer: Oh, believe me, if I owned the X-Men franchise…the things we would see. Moar shirtless Logan, Married!Charles&Erik, Pyro and Iceman as a couple, Rogue having a bitchfight with Jean over Logan and winning, Moar Storm…these things may or may not end up being written by me. So yeah, my no owny.**

Dinner with mutants was always interesting. There were food preferences-Alex absolutely detested mushrooms, Sean believed that vegetables would kill him, Hank got meat juice in his fur and was subsequently mocked by both Alex and Sean, and Raven would never stand for her beast to be teased.

Thus did Charles Xavier find himself ducking under a table to avoid a large glob of mashed potatoes splattering on his face.

And there were Sean's peas under here!

"Sean, Alex, stop throwing food!" He popped above the table. Sean had grabbed Hank's bloody steak and was waving around, pillow fight style. "Sean, get your hands off Hank's dinner!"

No response. Charles winced and rapidly wheeled backwards. It didn't stop a handful of peas hitting his cardigan.

"Raven, stop retaliating! And for God's sake improve your aim!" She barely glanced at him. Charles rubbed his forehead as a biscuit whizzed past. It was times like this where it was difficult to like teenagers. "Hank, _don't_-"

There was a roar, and Hank, his blue fur mottled with food stains, leapt across the table in an attempt to tackle Alex. Sean, luckily, saw it coming and pushed the blonde under the table. That only resulted in the ginger being clipped by a paw and crying out in pain, while Alex emerged on the other side of the table to grab Raven and shove her head into the gravy bowl.

"Alex, stop that no Raven don't do that karate thing to his leg…" Charles winced. Alex was now sprawled on the floor, and Beast had snagged the entire bowl of salad and was about to dump it on his head. Sean was whimpering and clutching his elbow. "Children!"

Nothing.

_Erik, I need your help, I simply can_not_ handle these kids on my own!_ Charles projected. At least none of them were aiming at him. Being in a wheelchair greatly inhibited the ability to dodge.

"Aha! Now taste the wrath of Havock!" Crap. Alex, now greasy with dressing, had slithered away from Beast and clutched the butter. And Raven was about two seconds away from a kamikaze leap onto his back with the remnants of her tomato.

"What's going on here?" Total silence fell over the dining room. Raven froze, poised to leap. Alex gulped, and gripped the butter so tight it slipped from him and fell onto the floor. Hank seemed to become two sizes smaller. Sean's eyes grew wide with terror.

Erik's gaze slowly slid over the claw marks on the table, the food stains on the walls, carpet, and ceiling, and finally onto Charles. And the peas stuck to his arm.

"Have you been upsetting your mother?" Slowly, silverware rose around Erik. Knives, forks, spoons, all pointed at the trembling young mutants. Erik glared over them, daring one to speak up.

"Well…" Raven's voice came out as a squeak. "Alex and Sean were being immature, and…"

"And you deemed it appropriate to respond with a food fight." Erik's glower became darker. The eyes of the teenagers grew bigger. "I see."

_This, Charles, is why we should transfer them all to one of your family's houses in Italy and visit only on weekends. _Charles sighed.

_Yes, but that's no way to run a school. _Besides, he'd had a childhood like that. It wasn't much fun. _Sean is hurt._

"Alex, you will go upstairs and cleanse yourself. As soon as you're presentable, I want you down here, with a mop and a bucket of suds, cleaning. The same goes for you, Raven. Hank, hose yourself off then get ready to help them. If there is even a _hint_ of one of you not pitching in, the consequences shall be dire. Do I make myself clear?" Erik's tone was velvety, and possibly the scariest thing anyone there had ever heard.

"Yessir." They recited in unison.

"Sean, come with me to the infirmary. You'll be doing the dishes after I put something on that bruise." Sean sniffled and hurried to Charles's side. Charles sighed. "And no one is getting dessert tonight."

"What! But Dad made chocolate mousse!" Alex burst out. Erik eyeballed him. Alex went pale. "Nevermind."

"Charles and I will consume that, alone, without your help. When you have finished clearing up your ridiculous mess, everyone is to go their rooms and stay there." Raven raised a shaking hand.

"But we haven't actually eaten dinner."

"Well that's your own fault, isn't it? After all, Charles hasn't gotten to eat his dinner, I don't see why you're to be allowed yours. Now march." The hall emptied. Erik folded his arms and scowled as Charles shushed Sean and wheeled him off to the infirmary.

**Some hours later**

Knockknock. "Alex, open the door."

The door cracked open, and Alex squinted out. Then he opened it properly, flushing.

"Oh, hey Mom. Um, sorry about the whole fight and almost wreaking your table. I'm really, really, really sorry." Charles smiled in a tired sort of way.

"Of course we'd never send you back to jail, Alex. You know that." Alex shifted apologetically.

"I'm still sorry."

"I know." Charles lifted a covered plate and held it out. "Here's your dinner. I expect for all of it to be eaten, including the mushrooms. They're good for you."

"Yes Mom." Alex mumbled. Charles wheeled off to the next mutants room.

**Some minutes later**

"You're too nice to those kids." Erik grumbled. He shifted position to that his arm was more comfortably draped around Charles's shoulders. Charles sighed and settled against his shoulder.

"I couldn't just let them go hungry, and Alex felt terrible about it." Erik grunted. He doubtless felt it was justified. "It was only a little foodfight."

"Hmpf. Sean got hurt in that little fight."

"Yes, and Hank will be following him around apologizing for the next week, until Sean does something to anger him, at which point he'll go back to plotting how to kill him." Charles turned a page of his book. "They're sorry."

"They should understand consequences."

"They spent five hours scrubbing a room. They understand consequences perfectly well. Now shush, I'm almost at the part where Bilbo meets Smog." Erik grunted but shut up and went back to reading his book about medieval torture.

"Charles?" They both looked open. Raven was in the doorway of the library, looking little. Charles put his book down, and Erik decided that he would pay no attention to either of them.

"Yes?"

If Raven was a few years younger, she would've been toeing the rug. "Are you mad at me?"

"No, just a bit disappointed." Raven looked down and tightened her grip on her nightgown. Charles sighed. "Sean got hurt in that little altercation, and Beast ended up with even more stuck in his fur than before."

"I'm sorry." Raven shifted. "I didn't mean for it to get that far."

"You hurled a plate of biscuits at Alex's head, how did you not expect that to escalate?" Raven's face turned a darker shade of blue.

"Sorry."

"Come here." Charles moved so he was closer to Erik and lifted up the blanket they were sharing. "You can still have your bedtime story."

Raven's face lit up.

_You're too lenient._ Charles restrained the urge to roll his eyes as Raven wiggled into position at his side.

_She likes her bedtime story, it's an important family tradition._ Charles flipped back to the first chapter. "Is The Hobbit okay?"

"Mmmhmm." Charles began to read, and pretended to not notice that Erik had abandoned the torture book and was listening.

**Around half an hour later**

"She's asleep." muttered Charles. Erik blinked.

"Wait, are you stopping? But why are the dwarves there?"

"I'll read more of it tomorrow night."

"But…" Erik glowered at the book. "I'm really starting to like Gandalf."

"I'm sure you and his character have a deep connection." Charles yawned. "Pick up Raven for me?"

Erik got up and picked up the blue mutant. She was still asleep. With a flick of his hand, he moved Charles into the wheelchair. Charles had started carrying metal around in his pants just so that Erik could move him that way. It was a hell of a lot easier than dragging his legs around himself.

"I'll take her up to her room. Are the others sleeping?" Charles sent out a wave. Alex was sprawled on his bed dreaming about driving a tractor. Sean had fallen asleep with his feet on his pillow. Hank was fighting a losing battle to keep reading a paper about biochemistry, and he'd be gone in ten minutes.

"Yes. Don't forget to tuck her in!"

"I _know_ Charles."

**A mere fivish minutes later**

"Erik at least let me get out of the chair first! Honestly, you're as impatient as the kids!"

**A/N: I think this shall become a random series. Review please?**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: My cat was missing for almost a month, and today he walked in the door! Randomly! And much skinner than he was before, but the point is, my cat is back and so I am very happy. Thus, I had to write something about a cat, and dedicate it to my newly returned kitty, Jack. Who is now sitting on my lap demanding that I stop typing and go back to patting him :D**

**PS: I love everyone who reviewed. You dudes/dudettes rock!**

**Disclaimer: I suppose I sort of own the cat…nah, nobody owns cats. The imaginary cat merely allowed me to write of her movements.**

Sean burst into Charles's study.

"Mom! Mom!" Charles tipped his head back and briefly wondered why everyone in the manor had decided that he was now their mother. It wasn't like he went around in an apron…

"Yes Sean?"

"Guess what we found outside! Guess!" Charles raised an eyebrow at the blonde. "Okay, so then just read my mind…anyway, can we keep it?" Charles focused on Sean's mind, sifting through to a few minutes past.

_Sean and Alex, both crouched on the back stoop, staring at a mangy ball of fur. _

Oh, dear. This might not go well. And it looked as though Alex had bolted off to tell Raven and Hank. Charles winced.

"Sean, we have our hands full as it is." Sean's eyes suddenly grew twice as big.

"But you have to at least come see it!" Charles sighed. Sean sounded like his heart would break if Charles didn't at least look at the animal. "Please?"

"Fine." Sean jumped and fist pumped. "I didn't say you could keep it!"

**A few minutes later**

The cat was small, scruffy, flea-instead, and hissing at anyone who came within two feet of it.

For reasons unfathomable to Charles, Raven and Sean and Alex were still trying to tempt it closer, by speaking in high pitched voices. Hank was hanging back looking vaguely nervous.

"So, this is the ah, kitty." Charles leaned over his wheelchair and frowned. The cat was crouched beneath one of the mutilated trash cans which had _nothing_ to do with the fact that his and Erik's room was a few stories above this. "Hmm."

"It's so cute!" Raven burbled. Charles cocked his head.

Well, the cat did have big yellow eyes, and a nice tail. And rather fine whiskers, if dirty ones. There was, however, the small problem of the way it was spitting at anyone who came close to it.

"Come on, Mom!" Alex pleaded. "It's not like we don't have enough space."

"I'm inclined to say that this is a bad idea." Hank said slowly. "We have lots of sensitive equipment, and we don't need another source of destruction in the house."

"Hmm." Charles put a hand to his temples.

**The same period of time, from an alternate point of view**

Erik first heard the whispers of trouble when Raven rushed past the door to his study (Xavier manor had an excess of rooms with oak desks), banging on it as she passed and yelling "Sean and Alex found a pet, come see!"

He slowly closed the book he'd been reading. He always assumed trouble when Sean was mentioned and the moment Alex was added to the mix things tended to become…catastrophic. So it was with a sense of foreboding that he followed the sound of Raven's footsteps to the back porch.

"What in hell…" he muttered. Alex looked up, his expression one of trepidation. Sean grinned.

"Look, we found a cat! And Mom says we can keep it!" Erik was lost for words. The walking bundle of utility bills was glaring at them all from beneath a twisted trash can lid, yellow eyes glittering with malice.

"Charles." Oh, no. Charles was getting that look on his face. That "let's open a school for the poor mutants and make rainbows spontaneously explode over all the earth and find Raven a unicorn and buy Hank hair conditioner and the world will be groovy!" look.

This did not bode well.

"Well, she isn't a very large cat..." Sean and Alex high-fived each other. Raven smirked. Beast winced. "We can keep her."

"What? Charles!" Charles lowered his hand from his temple. The cat let out a loud meow and hopped into his lap, purring.

"She's been out on her own for her entire life, we can't leave her. In fact, I commend you kids for finding her. Alex, you go into the kitchen and find some fish for her, I'm sure there's a bit of salmon left over from last night." Alex hopped to his feet.

"I assume that you mean we're going to take it to an animal shelter in the morning?" Erik said.

"She doesn't have a home, and we have more than enough room for her." Charles scratched at the cat's ears. Erik glowered at the animal. He didn't _want_ a cat. Why did they need a cat? It was hard enough to keep track of the kids!

"Hank, back me up." Erik ordered. But Hank was gazing at the cat's eyes, his face softening. "Hank!"

"Awww, she's really skinny." Hank stretched out a hand and began to pat the cat. It purred and arched. "And she isn't so bad tempered."

"I explained our intentions." Charles said, joining Hank in the stroking of the cat. She sounded like a car now. Erik wanted to face palm.

"You can communicate with cats now." _This is ridiculous._

_No, it's not. She's adorable._ The mutants were all staring at him now. Raven from where she was crouched with Hank, cooing over the animal, Sean and Alex with their best puppy eyes, and Hank had gained a sudden (disturbing) resemblance to Bambi. _They really want her, Erik._

The cat was staring at him too. The yellow eyes bored into his soul.

"Fine, as long as it doesn't get in my bed." Charles smiled slightly and stroked the cat's head. Sean and Alex exchanged smug looks. Erik felt like he'd somehow been beaten.

"She can sleep with one of the kids." Erik grunted. The cat was staring at him triumphantly.

_Don't worry, I'll make it up to you later._ Erik's mouth twitched up.

* * *

><p>"I say it should be named snowflake."<p>

"That doesn't even make sense Sean, she's a calico."

"No, she's a tabby!"

"Actually, tabby means they have stripes-"

"Oh, and I suppose that you know all about cats?"

"No but I know about _appearances_ because I can change my shape, and if I turned my skin tabby it would not look like that!"

"It would not! That's not tabby, and besides you don't have fur!"

"Fine, I'll add fur!"

"You and Hank make such a well fitted couple."

"Shut up Alex!"

Erik turned to look at Charles. He was stroking the cat, apparently oblivious to the miniature war developing in the living room. _I told you this was a bad idea._

_Nonsense. Raven is exercising her abilities and finding them useful. That's progress, my love._ Erik blushed. He really had to find some way to not feel that warm glowy feeling in his chest when Charles called him that. _Well you _are _my love._

_Likewise_. Charles smiled at him. That cat meowed. _Irritating animal._

_She's annoyed that no one has guessed her name yet._

"Wait, you know the cat's name?" Every head whipped round to Charles. He raised his eyebrows and rubbed behind her ears.

"Of course."

"How?" Sean demanded.

"She told me." Erik fought the urge to hit something. Of course the cat knew what her name was already. Of course Charles was having mental conversations with a cat. Or perhaps Charles was screwing with them. It was often difficult to tell.

"So what's her name?"

"Sofia." How very anticlimactic. Charles paused. "Well, that's the closest translation I can get to without the use of titles, and we can hardly go about calling her 'the slayer of ten thousand mice and the bane of the rats, she whom the fleas fear.'"

Erik wasn't even going to touch that.

"Okay." Raven said. There were vague sounds of agreement, and peace settled once again in the living room. Sofia began to purr.

* * *

><p>One of Erik's eyes cracked open. Something was very wrong. Which was odd, because normally sleeping in Charles's bed guaranteed a peaceful night. He began to examine the surroundings.<p>

Warmth pressed up against his chest. That was Charles, whose upper body always managed to nuzzle into Erik's chest even if his lower was paralyzed. Softness just under his chin-Charles's hair. Whatever had woken him up hadn't disturbed his lover.

Sheets with a thread count somewhere around 1,000 brushing against his body. That had been odd the first few nights he slept in this bed, but he'd become accustomed.

No strange noises. Charles wasn't even talking his sleep.

He sniffed. That was odd. Was there another heat source above his head…

Fur brushed against his nose.

"_Charles_!" The telepath jerked and opened his eyes. Erik sat upright and lunged for the space just above his head. For a second his hands connected with fur. "Your cat is on my pillow!"

"Ah, is she?" Charles yawned. "Oh."

"Your _cat_ is on my _pillow_. There is _fur in my mouth!"_ Charles finally pushed himself onto his elbows and eyed the cat, who had barely moved. Her tail was still flicking around where Erik's nose was supposed to be.

"Do you want to switch sides?" But that would be complicated. That would involve Erik lifting Charles and getting his lower body into a suitable position, and no matter how often Charles lied through his teeth about how his injury felt, that was sure to be painful for him, plus it would end up with Erik's hands on Charles's ass and that would end up in more sex, which would be _excellent_ if there wasn't a furry creature on the bed.

"No, I want the cat out of the room!" Charles sighed and reached out to pet the cat. "Stop petting it!"

"Petting _her_." Charles put a hand to his temples. Erik growled and rolled over, pulling blankets over his head. He wasn't emerging until one of their bloody adopted mutants had gotten that animal out.

**Line break**

The situation deteriorated even further the next day.

Erik walked into the kitchen, fully intending to make something nice and yummy for Charles because he felt bad about being grumpy. But the kitchen smelled…odd.

"What are you three doing?" Erik asked warily. Sean and Alex were both sitting cross-legged on either side of Charles's wheelchair. The cat was munching on something in front of them. She'd cleaned herself up quite a bit, enough to reveal that she was sleek and dark brown and had a little white tip on her tail.

"Feeding her." Alex replied. He didn't take his eyes off the beast. "Isn't she adorable when she eats?"

"No." Erik sniffed. "What in the world is that smell?"

"Just some, ah, food." Sean shifted nervously. "We brought it out when we didn't know what to feed her, because it smelled sort of like fish."

Erik sniffed again. He knew that smell.

"You're feeding the cat _caviar?"_ Charles winced. Erik stared at him. "From these idiots I would expect it, but really Charles?"

"She really enjoys the taste, and none of particularly cares for it." Erik's mouth opened and closed. His kitchen was going to smell like caviar for the rest of the week. The cat was smirking at him and licking her chops.

"I'm going to go…do something not here." Erik fled, fighting the urge to storm back into the kitchen and kill the cat. It would probably traumatize Sean and Alex and piss off Charles beyond belief.

_Don't worry, I'll have the boys clean it up when she's done._ Erik ground his teeth. Eau de caviar lingered, regardless of cleaning products. They could bleach the room and the scent would still be there, just waiting to wriggle out and attack his nostrils. _Meet me in the study later._

A few hours later, when Erik was happily yanking on Charles's hair and having his shirt stripped off, he didn't think it was so bad. So the cat ate some fish eggs. He was getting some truly spectacular study sex out of it.

* * *

><p>Erik sneezed.<p>

"_Charles get your bloody cat out of this room!"_

"Since when do you swear like a brit?"

* * *

><p>A crawling sensation worked it's way up Erik's back. Something was watching him. He slowly turned around, prepped to hurl his pen into the heart of whoever dared intrude.<p>

It was the cat. Staring at him. Erik shifted.

This was ridiculous. That animal was six times smaller than him. There was no reason to feel intimidated.

"What do you want?" And of course, now he was talking to the cat. She yawned. "How incredibly helpful that was. Why don't you bother Charles?"

Sofia yawned again and languidly hopped onto his desk. Erik crossed his arms and leaned back in the chair. He was actually _busy_, but observing the behavioral patterns of the cat was far more interesting.

She surveyed his papers. Erik had to stifle amusement-cats couldn't read, let alone read maps. With a sniff, the beast dismissed them as unimportant (or so her posture indicated).

"Hey!" Erik snapped. The cat, becoming suddenly boneless, had managed to splay her entire body over all the most essential bits of paper. Now she was the picture of absolute relaxation. He pushed at her. "Get your furry little backside off my things!"

One yellow flicked open, regarded him with disdain, and closed. Erik glared. There were metal candlesticks only a few feet away…

_Erik, don't you dare._ He scowled. Of course Charles would take the cat's side. _She's a cat, that's what they do._

_Lie on top of my work?_

_Oh, like you were actually working on that anyway._ Erik eyed the cat. His instincts told him that if he tried to move her, bad things would happen. _I'm sure you'd rather be playing chess?_

* * *

><p>The low, ominous, growling filled the kitchen. Alex fidgeted. Hank kept himself pressed against the counter. Sean and Raven were very firmly behind Charles's wheelchair. Erik rubbed his forehead.<p>

"The thing has a mouse." He deadpanned.

"Yep." Sean confirmed.

"And it's alive."

"Uh huh." Alex nodded.

"And you are all standing here _because?_" No one answered.

"Well, she's growling." Hank said helpfully. Erik fought the urge to bend metal into sharp pointy things and drive them into the chests of all the surrounding mutants except Charles.

"You are _mutants_." Erik glared at them all. "Someone just take the stinking mouse from her!"

"But she's under the table." Raven mumbled. "Nobody can reach."

"I…you…morons…" Erik could find no articulate way to express his disbelief. "It's a ten pound"

"Twelve pound" Charles interjected.

"_Twelve_ pound ball of fluff! You are some of the most impressive and capable people in the world, and you cannot even get that little brown scrap of fur from the jaws of a defenseless animal! Apply yourselves!"

"Well…" Alex shuffled his feet. "If I shoot anything at her, it'll demolish the kitchen and it might hurt them both…"

"And really, no matter what I look like, she's going to claw me." Raven said, in a tone that suggested this was rather obvious. "Plus Hank doesn't intimidate her at all, and she's faster than him, and screaming at a cat is obviously the stupidest thing to do ever, so Sean is useless."

Erik's mouth opened and closed. The cat growled.

"Charles." The professor shrugged.

"She simply refuses to give the poor animal up." Charles sighed. "When I suggested it, she made it clear that she would not be persuaded. Besides, I can hardly crawl under the table and take it from her."

Great. Now Erik felt guilty.

"You can _control minds._" Not guilty enough to overlook the obvious point that Charles was possibly the most powerful telepath ever and this thing's brain was the size of a walnut.

"Erik, that would be immoral." Charles sounded so earnest. And Erik wasn't sure whether to start laughing hysterically or storm away and go find the former brotherhood and reboot them with the purpose of killing all cats in the world.

"So I have to deal with the sadistic little" _Erik, there are children present_ "animal." Erik gritted his teeth. The growling grew louder. "Fine."

Erik got down on his knees. The cat was backed into the corner, and shielded by multiple table legs. He grimly crawled closer, pushing chairs out of the way as he went.

The metal bender almost had Sofia in his grasp. Then she bolted. Erik swore and tried to move backward. Unfortunately, while a cat could dart through table legs and over chairs without missing a step, Erik was less capable.

Erik had spent years and years perfecting his espionage abilities, and here he was hitting his head on the underside of a table. In front of Charles.

Now it was personal.

_Quick Erik, she's heading for the library!_ Charles's presence in his mind galvanized Erik to scramble to his feet and dash after the blur. A crowd of mutants pounded after him. With the exception of Charles, who was wheeling along behind, and absolutely not finding this entertaining.

Sofia darted around the doors to the library, and disappeared. By the time Erik had yanked open the door, murder on his mind because he would not be defeated by a _cat_, she was lost amidst the piles of books.

"Charles, where is she?" He asked darkly. Erik had assumed the pose of the hunter. Charles sighed.

"It's a lost cause, I'm afraid. She just crunched the mouse." Charles sounded genuinely mournful. Erik found it disturbing how much he now wanted to hug Charles-and kill that damn cat.

* * *

><p>There were some aspects of living in the manor that Erik loved. There was the fact that he was living in what amounted to a castle. There was the fact that there was always food, albeit badly cooked. There was the fact that he had <em>Charles<em>.

But Charles, alas, came with some conditions. Most of them Erik could live with. Many he found endearing (see: tendency to tap fingers against wheelchair, ability to distract children, hilarious way of being so engrossed in a book he didn't notice Erik was in the room until Erik grabbed him and kissed him).

Then there were the less endearing tendencies. Like the "let's train despite it being pouring rain!" thing. And of course, while Erik didn't technically need to train, Charles couldn't go out into the rain because it was muddy and he was in a wheelchair, and someone had to supervise the kids.

Thus was Erik Lensherr standing in the rain, shivering, and glaring at Alex and Banshee. Of course these idiots had decided that it would be fun to "accidentally" kick mud at each other.

"Hey, hey, Dad!" Erik turned one evil eye on Sean. "There's mom!"

Erik turned to look up at the manor. Yes, there was Charles watching from the window. The light flickering in the background made Erik think Charles had gotten a fire going, and perhaps when he had gotten rid of this bunch of mentally challenged teenagers they could have fireside sex.

_You look miserable._ Erik sent Charles a small smile. _You know, your smile is rather entrancing when there's rain dripping off you._

_I'm cold. _

_I could think of a few ways to warm up. _

"Sean, Alex!" Erik belted. "Hurry up with those laps!"

The two exchanged looks which suggested they knew far more than they were supposed to, and picked up the pace. Erik smirked and reveled in his ability to terrify the children. In mere minutes, Sean and Alex were scraping their shoes on the mat and opening the doors to the manor.

_Erik, grab Sofia! _He had been expecting something more along the lines of "Come to my enormous bearskin rug". Then the cat darted between his legs. _She's going out into the rain!_

"So?" Erik grumbled. He eyed the downpour. "It's not like the cat hasn't been out before."

_It's pouring rain, and she'll be cold and uncomfortable! Can't you try to bring her back inside?_ Charles's voice was pleading. Erik could practically see his eyes going all big and blue and Charles preparing to wheel himself from the study and go out into the rain himself.

_Fine._ Erik stalked back outside, shooting the children a look of evil. It was their fault the goddamn cat lived in the mansion, and were they out looking for it? Of course not. The children were inside drying off and drinking cocoa and being warm.

The cat was nowhere to be found. It wasn't lurking around any of the doors, or trash cans, or conveniently placed eves. Erik tried to think of where he would go if he was a cat.

He'd be inside on Charles's lap. But that might have been only because he was cold and wet, and Charles had an exceedingly comfortable lap, and he found it a quite comfortable seat regardless of his species.

_Erik, she's back!_ Charles's relieved message hit him when Erik was tramping across one of the courtyards checking under benches. He froze.

_What?_

_She just came inside through a window, and the poor dear is just soaking wet. _Erik stood still, feeling the water which had long since soaked into his coat trickle down his back. _You can come back inside._

Erik grimly began the trek back to the front door. He had another thing to dislike about living in a mansion-getting to a door from a courtyard took about as long as it would to dry off.

Or longer, because it took him almost ten minutes of trooping around the exterior of the manor just to find a door. His search for the perfectly-capable-of-getting-back-on-her-own cat had led him far, it seemed.

"Ah, there you are Erik. What took you so long?" The cat was on Charles's lap. The _cat_ was on Charles's lap, purring, wrapped in a fluffy towel, and dammit, that was Erik's place! Perhaps not with all the children clustered around cooing, but still!

"Erik, you may not kill Sofia." Charles said firmly. Alex prudently took several steps away. Erik stared at the cat, wondering whether if he perhaps bent the handles of Charles's wheelchair, he could strangle her. "Erik, if you try that, I _will_ find a plastic wheelchair."

"No one sells wheelchairs made of plastic." Erik muttered. Charles raised an eyebrow, as if to point out that they lived in a _castle, _and the kind of money which Charles considered pocket change was enough to convince any number of engineers to happily do whatever Charles ordered.

"Fine." Erik growled. "I'm going to clean off."

"As you wish." By the time Erik got out of the shower, Charles had passed the cat off to Alex and was waiting by the bedside. Suddenly Erik was feeling much less disposed towards killing.

* * *

><p>"Meow."<p>

"I thought you said you locked the fucking door!"

"I did, and really Erik, your pillow must just be extremely comfortable. That wasn't an invitation to hit me with it!"

* * *

><p>Erik Lensherr and Charles Xavier were well suited for many reasons. They both liked chess, and each other, and plotting, and old books. Both were super-duper powerful mutants. Neither got enough sleep. Though this was sometimes helpful-they were so used to insomnia, they could function at normal levels even if they'd spent the entire night having sex-but it made Erik worry.<p>

He knew why _he_ didn't get enough sleep. Erik had nightmares, though they came very infrequently now. He had a dark and dangerous past. And a cat who was determined to make his pillow into her personal bed.

Charles, on the other hand, didn't talk about the nightmares Erik _knew_ the man had. Nor was he eager to share whatever pain his back was still causing him. It was frustrating, considering Charles knew everything about Erik.

Of course, Charles was worth these difficulties.

To name one example of why, Charles currently looked adorable. His head was cushioned on his arms, and his eyes were shut. Erik had to smile slightly at the look of peace on Charles's face. Usually, Charles looked worried while sleeping.

He locked eyes with Sofia. The cat was purring, filling the entire room with the humming sound. Her eyes were lidded, and she looked not at all bothered by Erik's gaze.

"And I suppose you did this." The purring increased. "That's absurd. You are a cat."

She blinked. Erik felt inconsequential.

"I am forced to admit that Charles doesn't get enough sleep, and each time you've been in my room, he was sleeping peacefully." Erik said slowly. The cat flicked her tail. "And now, he's napping over papers, which he never does."

This was opening a rather scary door.

"I'm not going to be able to get rid of you, am I?" Sofia managed to change her expression from barely interested to unbelievably smug.

**A/N: Have you ever tried to get out of bed in the morning, and there was a cat in bed, so you ended up just going back to bed? Happens to me all the time with one of my cats (I have 5) and I have since concluded that cats have magical powers. And I created Sofia the cat out of all my cats combined, then named her after my best friend. Partially because I can't think of a female character from another fandom I like enough to reference. Partially because Sofuzzles is the best cutesy kitty cat name ever, and that's her nickname (sorta. At the namer's peril.)**

**Review?**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Because Hank totally invented the microwave. He's just that groovy. And can you see any of those X men cooking? Charles had maids, Raven had the maids who served Charles, Sean is…**_**Sean**_**, Alex was in jail, and Hank is a nerd who would probably try to figure out the chemical equations in the food to perfect the dish.**

**Dedication goes to Missy the Least, because I'm a bad person and am late responding to a message because I was studying and went to sleep with my brain foggy and had finals and DART and I feel bad. So…thanks for motivating me!**

**Disclaimer: If I was Stan Lee, I would have a more badass costume. **

There was a problem in the manor.

No, that was putting it mildly. There was a _crisis_ in the manor. And to everyone's surprise, it wasn't Sean's fault. No, it was the fault of everyone except Charles and Erik, who had been mysteriously absent at the time.

No one had thought that perhaps there was a reason Hank wanted Erik to stay away from his invention, that there was a reason Charles told them to just make themselves sandwiches when they were hungry and not touch the technology.

Raven winced and toed a scrap of metal. "So, I guess you shouldn't put metal into the microwave."

"I guess not." Alex said. He paused. "You know, you're Charles' little sister. He won't kill _you_."

"I also wasn't the one who invented this thing, and then didn't think to put instructions on it, _Hank._"

"Sean was the one who decided he wanted canned soup, and I _did_ say that you shouldn't put it in the microwave, you just didn't listen!" Hank barked.

"Alex was the one who actually put it in!"

"You were only a foot away! You should have stopped me!"

Raven figured this was the perfect time to run. No one was blaming her yet.

"What about Raven?" _Dammit._ Sean turned towards her, evil glittering in his eyes. "You spend so much time with Hank, you'd think you would know that we shouldn't have used the can."

"Hank made the stupid machine!" Raven patted his arm. "I'm sorry, but you've just got to take the blame for this one."

"But…" Hank stared at Raven. Her eyes were such a pretty shade of yellow… "Well…"

"Whipped." Alex coughed out. Sean snickered.

"Dear god." Everyone's attention whipped to the mutant in the wheelchair, who was staring at the mess which had once been their microwave. "I knew you kids had done something awful, but this was worse than I could have imagined."

"What did they…" Erik had appeared behind Charles's wheelchair in the strange "we're attached at the hip because we're married" way they had perfected. "Is that the _microwave?"_

"Yes." Charles said grimly. "Sean decided he wanted soup, and Alex ignored everything we've ever told him about the use of new technology, and neither Hank nor Raven prevented it, though they were in the same room."

Nothing was worse than the "Mom is disappointed" tone. Not even the "Father is pissed" voice, which, judging by Erik's eyes, was about to come roaring into the conversation.

The children waited for the blow to fall. But oddly enough, it was Sean who rescued them, because Sean came from a semi-normal household and had memories of how to manipulate parents which neither Alex nor Raven possessed, and which Hank was too mature to use.

"Mom? I'm still hungry…" Sean tried to sound as pathetic as he possibly could. Charles turned to him, and Sean prayed that the telepath would only skim the surface of his mind, where he was in fact _really really hungry._

"This presents a problem." Charles said. Erik eyed him. "Without Hank's microwave, someone will be forced to cook."

There was a collective inhale.

"Mom can do it, right?" Alex asked tentatively. "He's like, maternal."

Dead silence, as Charles tried to figure out, once again, why he was being identified as a female, Erik idly wondered whether Alex had really thought that statement through, and Raven calculated whether she could move fast enough to kick Alex in the balls before Charles grabbed her.

Or maybe Charles wouldn't mind. After all, that had both insulted his masculinity and been somewhat chauvinistic.

"Fine, I'll make dinner." Charles rolled his eyes. "The rest of you just…go do Hank's bidding, he's the one who's going to have to rebuild this, from scratch, and without his entire team of government workers. And Alex, stay away from Raven."

"Spoilsport." muttered Raven.

* * *

><p><em>Squelch.<em> Sean poked the blob on his plate with his fork. It was a whitish color, and had little specks of…something, in it. What he found truly fascinating, however, was that the blob quivered for several seconds after poking, as if animate.

As can be guessed, the dining situation at Xavier manor had not improved.

The inhabitants sat around the table in dead silence. Erik was meticulously carving his own white-gray blob into bite size pieces. Hank was wondering if Charles had possibly invented a new form of matter. Alex was missing prison food. Raven was having a mental debate about who would be the first to speak up about the inedibleness of Charles's creation. Sean was, as mentioned, playing with his food.

"Sean, stop playing with your food and eat your dinner." And Charles, the maker of the blobs, was glaring at anyone who dared make eye contact with him. Sean squirmed. To fight for his right to live, or to not have his brain melted by his mother?

"I um, don't know how to cut it." Sean figured that wasn't technically lying. "The knife won't go in."

"Your father doesn't seem to be having any trouble." Charles's tone was deadly. Erik froze. By this point, his floating knife had made the blob into perfect cubes. It only served to highlight the strangeness of the particles floating in the mass.

"Do we actually have to eat this?" Raven whimpered. She had managed to separate a forkful from the whole and was sniffing it. The fact that it smelled like rotten eggs did nothing to alleviate her concerns.

"If you plan on eating." Charles himself had nothing in front of him but a full glass of amber liquid. Alex coughed and pushed away his plate.

"Well, I'm not actually that hungry." He made to rise from the table. Charles glared. Alex sat back down.

"How did you actually make this?" Hank asked. He stuck a knife into the top of the substance, where it stayed perfectly upright. "It's fascinating…" he trailed off when Charles turned the glare on him.

"Shut up and eat." Erik growled. All eyes turned to him, Raven and Sean's scrutinizing the piles of cubes he'd created to see if any amount of blob had actually been consumed. Hank was wondering if he could discreetly take a bit to lab, to test it. Alex was mentally comparing it to the two week old mashed potatoes he'd eaten in prison once.

All extremely bad things to do while sitting at a table with a telepath.

"If none of you wish to eat, then you can go to your rooms." Charles wheeled back, with his glass of alcohol in one hand. "I myself am leaving for bed."

Erik automatically got to his feet, prepared to levitate the wheelchair up the stairs as he commonly did. Charles glared.

"_You_ can make sure that none of the children attempt to sneak food from the kitchen." Erik sat back down, deciding that Charles's bad mood would be best discussed without the kids present. As soon as the sound of wheels faded, Sean spoke up.

"Uh, Dad?"

"Your mother worked hard to make this." Erik winced. "But I'd rather not risk any of your lives. We can find something else to eat."

"Yes! _Thank you!_" Raven cried. A group of relieved teenagers mobbed Erik. He grimaced. The odds of him sleeping on the couch that night had just grown exponentially. At least he could claim, quite honestly, that his decision was a reasonable one.

* * *

><p>Having fed the kids granola bars and sent them to bed, Erik cautiously pushed open the door to his bedroom. The lights were off, and judging by the lump on the bed and the wheelchair by the bedside, Charles had gotten himself into bed well enough.<p>

Erik let the door close behind him with a click. No reaction from the bed.

Either Charles was asleep or, as was far more likely, he was faking it and still in a bad mood. Charles did not often get into bad moods that involved him trying to poison their children. This was perhaps a bad sign.

"Charles…" Erik undressed and crawled into bed. He touched Charles's shoulder. "Is there something you want to talk about?"

"I should commend you for being the reasonable one and getting the kids something edible."

"Just doing my job. Did you get anything?"

"Not hungry."

"Are you _sure?_"

"I am not Sean Erik, and I would appreciate you not talking to me as if I were." Erik could feel the waves of hostility rolling off Charles. So, being a former Nazi-Hunter and generally daring person, he wrapped his arms around Charles's chest and pulled him into a hug. "Stop it."

"That would be more convincing if you were trying to move away." Erik muttered in his ear.

"Well it's not as though I can." Erik froze upon hearing the bitter tone of Charles's voice. "I'm sorry Erik, I'm just not…I was going to grab some of the canned soup we have in the cabinets and heat it up on the stove, but I couldn't _reach_ them, and I can't see over the stove properly anyway." Charles didn't looked at Erik. "Then I hurled everything in the lower parts of the fridge into a pot and tried to feed it to breathing mutants, quite immature behavior."

"Oh…" Erik held Charles closer. "Charles, you're allowed to be frustrated over that wheelchair."

"I'm lucky. The bullet could have hit at a worse place and actually killed me, or taken feeling from _everything_ below my waist, or paralyzed me entirely." Charles sighed. "I was just staring at the stove realizing that I can't even make a can of soup without help, and I suppose it put me in an irrational mood."

"No, you're not-" Erik closed his eyes. "It's not irrational to be frustrated with your limited physical capabilities."

"Yes it is, I've got all the kids and you came back and I've still got my mutation, which is of course one of the most important things and really what brought all of us together, but I can't make a meal on my own." Charles shook his head as if to get rid of cobwebs. "Just…ignore me, I'm simply feeling useless. It will pass."

"No." Erik felt a wave of guilt.

"It's not your fault." One of Charles's hands entwined with Erik's. "And you came back. Believe me, I would gladly suffer any amount of pain just for how it feels to have you here."

"Do you often avoid your own problems by reassuring other people?"

"It works."

"Hmpf." Erik kissed Charles's shoulder. "Well, let me try a bit of reassuring. No one at the manor minds that you can't make us dinner. You are a perfectly adequate mother without the ability to cook."

"I'm not _female_ Erik, why do you insist on calling me that?"

"Your face turns an adorable shade of pink when I do."

"Shut up."

"You're the most pleasing lover I've ever had, a gorgeous young man, a figure adored by all of our children despite your attempts to feed them whatever the hell that was, a frustratingly good chess player, a charming individual, the only person I've met who might actually be capable of protecting and caring for the future of mutant kind, have wonderful taste in books-"

"Stop it, you're making me blush."

"And," Erik finished "I love you. Regardless of your state of leg."

"Love you too." Charles said quietly. "It's just-hard, sometimes."

"I don't doubt it." Erik sighed. "I'll make breakfast tomorrow, you don't have to worry about it."

* * *

><p>Smoke hung thick and heavy in the Xavier kitchen. The Xaviers themselves were eating blackened toast in silence, while Erik brooded and Charles mused.<p>

"So…" Hank broke the silence. He had slathered his toast in butter.

"There was a small miscalculation." Erik said. He was eating his toast plain and showing no indication that he had noticed it's burnt state.

"Of _what?_" muttered Alex. After scraping off charcoal only to discover more blackness, Alex had adopted the strategy of slowly crumbling the toast and hoping no one noticed he wasn't eating.

"Oh, it's a long story." Charles said lightly. To everyone's relief, his mood had improved. "Though it's a relief to know I'm not the only terrible cook in the household."

"So, who's gonna make lunch?" Sean asked cheerfully. His toast looked more like a slab of peanut butter, which Sean was consuming with gusto.

"You can, if you'd like." Charles responded. He had put a thin coating of marmalade on his bread, and was eating it in small bites interspaced by gulps of tea.

"Charles…" Erik looked at him in horror. _Have you gone mad? Sean can't be trusted in a kitchen!_

_At least we can be reasonably certain he will not stick six pieces of bread in one toaster at the same time then forget about them._

_Well if you didn't look that sexy with bed head, I wouldn't have been distracted._

_Fair point._

"I get to cook!" Sean grinned. "Cool! I know exactly what I'm going to make!"

"God help us." Alex muttered.

"Well it can't possibly be worse than what we've already had, a meal for which I apologize." Charles smiled sheepishly. "Whatever else came out of that, we at least know that I should not attempt cooking again."

"Amen." Raven said fervently.

* * *

><p>Come lunch.<p>

"Ah, Sean?" Hank poked his plate. "What is this?"

"This." Sean proclaimed. "Is lasagna, a la Sean."

"Excuse me, but in what universe is this lasagna?" Raven asked incredulously.

"Oh ye of little faith-the bottom layer is cheese, obviously. You can see it where it's stuck to the pan, because it got a tiny bit burnt. Then I put peanut butter, which isn't even burnt at all and you should totally recognize. On top of that are apple slices because we didn't have any tomatoes and apple tastes better with peanut butter anyway, then I put the ham at the back of the fridge on top of that so it would have meat, and of course I mixed sugar in the whole thing in case it tasted funny, then there's another layer of melted cheese!"

Raven dubiously sniffed it. "Doesn't look like cheese."

"Technically it's blue cheese dressing." Sean shrugged and plopped a slice onto Erik's plate. "I used all the gouda on the bottom layer and didn't have any left, and they're both cheese, and cheese is basically the same across the board."

Raven and Charles exchanged looks, remembering "cheese tasting" parties.

"I didn't know peanut butter could have a crust." Alex commented.

"I know right! It's like, a new invention of cooking! I should so get a patent." Sean dumped himself into a chair. "Bon appetite!"

Charles refraining from commenting on Sean's pronunciation and loaded his fork. He'd been doing telepathic things all day, and it left him hungry, though this was not, precisely, the meal he'd expected…

_Charles. Don't eat this._ Charles snuck a look at Erik. His sort-of husband was wiping his mouth with a napkin.

_Sean does look proud…_

_Don't. I think the ham is raw._ Sean was paying no attention to Raven's wide eyes (or the hand on her stomach) and his parents, merely munching on his peanut butter with great abandon.

"It's creative." Hank was prying the ham out from where it was locked between cheese and apple. Apparently, the beast could stomach raw meat. "It's definitely creative."

"So, can I cook from now on?" Sean asked hopefully. Charles surveyed the table.

_I guess it's better than prison food. Not by much, but better._

_Needs more meat. _

_Okay, I definitely outdid myself with the peanut butter, but the rest of this tastes off…heh heh heh, wonder if any of them will actually eat a full serving?_

_This is ridiculous, we're mutants, someone should be at least competent!_

And Raven was passing her meat to Hank under the table.

"Sean, while I applaud your use of improvisation…" Charles frowned at the ginger. "You know perfectly well we can't live on food like this. Just because you yourself can stomach a portion doesn't mean it's decent."

"Awww." Sean pouted. "But I made it healthy! It's got apples and everything!"

"Don't forget the three cups of sugar." Charles said dryly. "I can't help but feel that those counter the nutritional value." Sean blushed.

"Fine. Who gets to make dinner then?"

"Hank." Erik and Charles said at the same time. Hank looked like a deer in the headlights. "You have the highest iq and the most experience of the remaining mutants, we feel you're the logical choice."

"Well, I do sort of know how to make some stuff…" Hank shrugged. "I can try."

"Good man!" Charles smiled. "Sean, did you clean up the kitchen?"

"Sort of."

_Pots with melted cheese sticking off the edges, two trays filled with previous and unsatisfactory attempts, the butter on the counter being consumed by the cat, apple cores overflowing in the wastebasket, spilled grease on the floor._

"Sean!"

"I cooked, can't someone else clean up?" Sean whined. "Make Raven do it! She never has to do anything!"

"Are you kidding? I've been practicing martial arts the whole day, not to mention hauling around stupid stuff to help rebuild Cerebro!" Raven snapped. "Make Dad do it!"

"No."

"Okay. Make Alex do it!" Alex furiously opened his mouth.

"Enough! Sean, _you_ will clean up _your_ mess, the rest of you can go find crackers or something like, and Erik, if you wouldn't mind helping me upstairs, I have some thinking to do." Erik reinforced Charles's words with the Glare of Doom. The children obeyed.

* * *

><p>"All I could think of to make were omelets." Hank said sheepishly. "And I sort of had to use cream cheese as a supplement, but based on chemical equations, it should work out."<p>

"Normal food." Alex picked out a forkful. "Blessed wonderful, normal-the _hell?"_

"What?" Erik said sharply.

"There's hair in mine!" Alex spat out strands of blue. "Hank, gross man!"

"Sorry!" Hank yelped. He held out his. "Here have mine!"

"This is full of blue fur too!" The rest of the mutants took this as a cue to begin dissection of their own meals. The results were disappointing.

"Wow." Sean pulled strands away from an egg. "I think this actually makes my lasagna look good."

"Believe me, it doesn't." Alex grumbled. "Seriously, hair? Moooom."

"No, you don't have to eat it. Hank, thank you for the effort." A shamefaced Hank collected the plates. "Erik, do we still have those cans of soup? And Alex, since you're so critical, you can make breakfast."

* * *

><p>The smell of smoke was probably never going to leave the kitchen.<p>

"I panicked!" Alex gibbered, as Erik manipulated three fire extinguishers at once to control the blaze. "The whole bowl of oatmeal just caught on fire, and I lost control when I saw it and blasted and this is just like my old home-"

"Shh, shh." Charles patted Alex's back reassuringly. "It was an accident, don't worry."

"Yeah, we all screw up." Raven chimed in. She was scraping gunk off the floor with Sean. "Don't worry about it."

"It's fine." Hank thumped Alex's back as he tossed another fire extinguisher (this one from his lab) into the mix. "We all wanted to see Raven try to cook anyway."

* * *

><p>"I nominate this as worst disaster yet." Sean said. He sat on the banister idly watching, while eating a banana. Hank was next to him. "No one else managed to flood the whole foyer."<p>

"Yeah." Alex looked gratified to know that he wasn't the only one inflicting property damage. "Really Raven, how did you do it?"

"Um…" Raven guilty watched Erik sweeping water out the door. "Well I was making a recipe out of this cookbook I found in the library, but when I put the meatloaf in the oven I realized that I'd actually put the book _inside_ the tray by accident, and it was on fire. I put it in the sink and ran the water, but it clogged the sink while I was running to get Mom and Dad."

"Yup. You've definitely won the prize for most incompetent in a kitchen. At least Mom managed to make food instead of destruction." Sean giggled. "I bet we're going to starve."

"Or eat out all the time, Mom can probably afford it." Alex tossed his peel into the trash. "Of course, that's only if Mom can stop laughing long enough to whip out a credit card."

* * *

><p>"Charles, I'm not sure this was a good idea." Erik muttered.<p>

"Nonsense. It's just a restaurant, they can't get into that much trouble."

One knife incident, two overturned tables, one accidental transformation, several dozen shattered glasses and a mind wipe later.

"Erik, feel free to say you were right."

* * *

><p>Erik cracked an eye open. Hmm. Charles was out of bed. Could anyone kidnap Charles without him noticing? Doubtful.<p>

…that didn't mean it couldn't happen.

_Charles!_

_Yes? _

_You're not in bed._

_Yes, I had some things to take care of this morning. What do you want for breakfast?_ Erik sniffed the air. He smelled…bacon. Eggs. What might have been croissants. All the elements that made up brunch. Actual, non-poisonous, brunch.

_Did you sell your soul last night?_

_No!_ Erik pushed himself out of bed. It looked to be about midmorning. Damn Charles and his sleep enhancing abilities. Erik shook his head and pulled on a turtleneck. Judging by the shuffling sounds from the hallway, the children were being lured up by the scent of actual food as well.

Erik joined the crowd. Charles was sitting reading the paper, occasionally saying something in Spanish. There were several plates of scrambled eggs, perfectly cooked bacon, and artfully arranged fruit on the counters.

Of course, the most interesting thing in the room was Janos flipping pancakes, in an apron. Sofia was winding around his feet, purring. Erik blinked.

"Riptide?" Raven peered around Hank's shoulder.

"Janos." He corrected. "You want pancakes?"

"Yes." Sean said emphatically, pushing past Hank and Raven. He held out a plate beseechingly. "Pretty please?"

"Here." Janos slid five off the griddle. "Plenty to go around."

"Um." Alex shifted. "Not that those eggs don't look really delicious and not furry, but when did you get here?"

"Early this morning. Azazel dropped me off." Riptide began shoveling eggs onto the plate. "I hear voice in my head yesterday, asking me about what I was doing since the Hellfire club disbanded. I say not much, just wandering with Azazel, and Charles offers me a job. Says I get my own room, can do whatever I want, so long as I keep you all from starving." Janos shrugged. "I see no reason to decline."

"You recruited a member of the hellfire club as a cook?" Erik muttered to Charles. Charles chuckled.

"I had to find someone, and he also tornadoed the smell of smoke from the room. Janos is really quite a nice person." Charles sipped his tea. "It was this or wait weeks for Hank to build a new microwave."

"Huh." Erik began to stack bacon on a plate. "Fine. Welcome to the team."

**A/N: Thiswhatwasthepointwhat? I guess I just love picturing Riptide in an apron. The world needs more Riptides in aprons. And I like Riptide. So…he showed up. Because I said so. SO THERE!**

**Ps: Happy Halloween! I didn't dress up for school (power went off in my house, I got out of bed at the same time as my classes were starting and was too rushed to grab something from my closet) or go trick or treating…partially because I'm old and don't have someone young and adorable to go with, partially because I'm here writing this instead. Anybody have fun stories? I love reading long reviews even if they've got nothing to do with the text, just sayin'**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Ah, blowing off studying to write…what could be more fun? Also, I actually started this the day before Halloween, but decided that posting a Christmas oneshot on Halloween would be a bad move. Why was I inspired to being this in October? My thoughts were: "There's SNOW on the GROUND and it SNOWED and I had to walk the dog in SNOW and I like Christmas better anyway." Look for a Halloween addition around like, valentines day.**

**Disclaimer: …seriously, is Marvel going to sue me if I say that I own the x-men? Does that imply that Stan Lee will read this and have a hissy fit? Because I think it would be worth the lawsuit if Stan Lee read my writing…**

Erik knew that Charles Xavier was a very badass man. His fellow mutant had exemplary patience, an impressive ability to smile through all forms of pain, and tolerance for human events that would make Erik _kill everyone involved_.

That was never more apparent than now.

"Charles, Charles, Charles, look at this!" Erik was pretty sure that was Raven's voice, but he couldn't tell. Not from where he stood with Alex in the doorway of the store, both of them staring in horror.

There had to be hundreds of shoppers. Thousands of them. Nay, billions of people in damp coats and large purses, frantically checking the lists they held in their hands. Outside it was cold and snowy, but inside, inside was what Erik would, without a qualm, christen "hell on earth."

In department store form.

Red and green garlands draped over the ceiling. Strangely shaped bits of paper fluttered from each shelf, bells jingled at every door, bits of pine were strung over ever shelf. Young men and women in ridiculous green and red ensemble smiled vapidly and talked to potential customers over the din.

"Lieber Gott…" Erik breathed. There were tables covered in boxes and shelves piled high with plastic things, signs in all array of colors suggesting that products were on sale and would make perfect gifts, sparkling tinsel and lights whose sole purpose must have been to blind.

"What the _hell?_" said Alex incredulously. Erik shook his head. This was very much beyond him. Why had he agreed to go Christmas shopping? He could have stayed in the manor with Hank, but no, he had to agree to drive, and then to go with Alex to find a parking spot. And in that time, Charles, Sean, and Raven had disappeared into the bowels of hell.

_That's a bit dramatic, don't you think?_ Erik sighed in relief. Charles's voice was perfectly clear, despite the general commotion of the store.

_This is insane. _

_American consumerism at it's finest. Raven and I are over next to the jewelry counter._ Erik touched Alex's arm.

"Charles says that he and Raven are at the jewelry counter! Come on!" He had to shout to be heard over the noise of two women squabbling over a lamp. Alex, who was watching the fight with an expression of utter terror, nodded. Erik braced himself.

_Into the fray…_

Despite Erik's Glare Of Doom and Alex's Shoulders of Might, it took them almost ten minutes to get to the jewelry counter. It was full of glass cases, and one glance at the price cards told Erik exactly why this part of the store was rather lacking in customers. Except of course for the woman in furs, the harassed looking man with his wallet out, and a shiny young man behind the desk.

No devilishly handsome paraplegic. No buxom blonde. No hyperactive ginger.

There were however, a set of scorch marks on the floor which looked suspiciously like tire tracks. Erik nodded to Alex and gestured to the marks.

"They were here." _Charles, where the hell are you?_

_My apologies Erik, but Raven saw something she wanted and dragged me along. We're by the ridiculously large pine tree. Left side._

Erik craned his neck. Outside this particular shop, he could just see something large and brightly lit. Something bright enough to shine despite the horrendously luminous bulbs arrayed around every doorway.

_We're on our way._ He turned to Alex, who was gaping at a tiny ring with a 2500 dollar price tag. Erik felt deep empathy with the blonde.

"Come on, Charles says they're next to the tree." Erik pushed his way out of the shop, wishing that they'd brought Hank, regardless of his furry little problem. A large blue man with sharp teeth would probably stop these humans from whacking him with their bags.

The tree was, apparently, the heart of the pandemonium. There were throngs of shoppers gathered around the base where, apparently, there were sales in decorations and wrapping paper. Erik was amazed anyone could tell. He himself couldn't read the signs in the glow of the lights, let alone pick out that they were 30 percent off the labeled price, as one woman was shrieking to her husband.

With Alex in tow, Erik forced his way past the thousands (kinda) of shoppers to the left side of the tree, where the icicle ornaments created a muted glow. It would have been pleasant, were it not for all the humans.

Again, Charles and the kids had vanished. Erik growled low in his throat. Alex eyed him and wished that it was possible to sidle away from the mutant with the homicidal look in his eyes. It was unfortunately impossible, due to the crowd of shoppers. Clearly, the threat of painful death by spare change was balanced out by "20% off Plastic Santas!"

_Charles!_

_I'm sorry darling, but Raven decided that we didn't need to get any more ornaments and dashed off to the clothing department. I believe we're in women's eveningwear._

Erik sighed deeply and, for what he hoped was the last time, fought his way out through the crowd. The women's eveningwear department was only a floor away. It was still harder to reach it than it was to lift a submarine.

But Charles was there. Seated next to a rack of truly ugly yellow gowns, with a veritable mountain of clothing on his lap, Charles looked to Erik like the one person who might salvage this afternoon.

"Ooh, Charles, come look at this!" Until a blonde blur grabbed the handles of his wheelchair and whisked him in the opposite direction. Erik exchanged an incredulous look with Alex and broke into the closest approximation of a run possible in the confines of the aisles.

_Charles! Charles! Are you being kidnapped?_

_In a manner of speaking. Raven says that we're headed towards the television department though-I don't suppose you could get there before she has a chance to grab the biggest one of and bolt?_

Erik's eyes narrowed. By all that was good and holy and not involved with this stinking holiday, he would reach that department in time to catch up with Charles and his nutcase of a sister.

**1 minute later**

"How" _Pant_ "In fuck" _Pant_ "Did" _Pant _"Raven" _Pant_ "Do that?" Alex gasped out, staring at the rows of televisions. All of them were in color, and all of them were running commercials for Christmas sales.

"I don't know." Erik growled. He wiped sweat off his forehead. "Raven may have a secondary mutation to do with crowded malls and shopping."

"Yes, but _seriously_, you pushed an old lady out of the way to get here, she can't have done better than that!" Alex groaned and clutched the stitch in his side. "And she's dragging around Charles and his wheelchair too!"

"Clearly, the girl has a gift."

_I've managed to divert Raven to the pet store. She'll be looking at puppies for at least half an hour, you should be able to get to us. And tell Alex that under no circumstances is it acceptable to run past a little old lady who has just been shoved to the floor and not help her._

"Your mother says you should be more polite to the elderly. And that we need to get to the pet store."

"Where's the pet store?" Alex asked. He looked somewhat disgruntled by the fact that he was being scolded. He hadn't been the one to push the woman in the first place.

"…I have no idea." Erik turned around. All he could see were rows of televisions, all blaring the same advertisements, and people in coats with bags. "Is there some sort of map for these places?"

"Dad, I've been in prison for years, and my hometown didn't have anything like this." Alex frowned. "Can't you get directions from Mom?"

"He has no idea where they are-says it just went past in a blur of brightly colored bags and holiday music." Erik had never been inside one of these places before, and he was thinking that next holiday season, he would stay home and shove needles in his eyes instead.

"Wait…" Alex had a strange look on his face. "If he can actually hear the music over the crowds, then they've got to be right next to a pair of speakers."

Erik's eyes glinted. Who said anything about blondes being stupid?

"And the speakers must be placed in strategic locations around the mall to make any tunes at all audible over the shoppers. If I apply what I know about building design…"

Erik knew quite a bit about building design. At the time he'd only been learning it so he'd have an idea about where the doors through which Nazis could escape would be. But it would be just as useful trying to locate his sort-of husband in the Mall of Hell.

"According to my deductions, the pet department should be located on the right side of the building, next to the toy department." Erik hadn't realized how often he'd listened to Charles read _The Hound of the Baskervilles_ out loud to Raven until he uttered that sentence.

"Right." Alex peered around. "That's over past the really large and obviously fake angels then." Erik nodded.

"Good job Alex." He plunged into the sea of shoppers, not noticing the startled but pleased look spreading over his sort-of son's face. Alex hurried after him into the crowd, being careful to smile at every single senior citizen they passed.

"Charles!" Erik called. _Oh, Thank god._ Charles was there, within reach. Erik stumbled up to him and clutched the handles of the wheelchair. Charles tipped his head back to smile at him.

"I was wondering when you'd show up." Erik glared. "I know, it's terrible here."

"This place is pure evil layered in decorations." Erik said. Charles winced. "What?"

"Alex." The blonde pushed his way out of the crowd into the miraculous bubble of space around Charles. He was clutching one arm and looked somewhere between angry and confused.

"What happened?" Erik asked sharply. If one of those teenage girls dressed as elves had stabbed Alex with a pointy toe…he had a feeling Charles was restraining laughter.

"This old lady hit me with her purse and said I was trying to charm the last Barbie away from her!" Erik gaped. "Seriously, do I look like a person who wants to steal a Barbie doll?"

_Don't answer that, Erik. His self esteem was damaged enough by being knocked down by a ninety pound blind woman. _Erik nodded and peered around.

"Why do we have no one within two feet of us?" They probably occupied the only breathing space in the entire shopping mall.

"Because I'm telepathic and I told them too. And nobody knocks over people in wheelchairs." Charles said matter of factly. Erik leaned against said wheelchair and reminded himself that he was a very, very, very, lucky mutant. He had a sanity saving boyfriend/husband/lover/thing, a household of irritating and loveable children…wait.

"Where are Raven and Sean?"

"Raven is looking into the cages, forming a conspiracy with Alex. Sean is on his own." Erik stared at Charles in horror.

"You let one of our own out into that mob unprotected?"

"Sean has been in a mall before, Erik. He knows how they work. Also, he said he wanted to buy Christmas gifts for all of us and he wanted them to be a surprise." Erik shook his head slowly. His little ginger was really much more death defying than they gave him credit for. "It's only a mall, darling."

"You have a miraculous bubble of space and access to an elevator. The rest of us aren't so lucky." Erik said darkly. "Why do we have to do this at all?"

"Because it's important to Raven." Erik blinked at Charles. "When we were growing up, Christmas meant my mother getting even drunker than normal, and the two of us holing up in my room to exchange presents. She thinks this year we can have a normal celebration." Charles sighed. "And no, I don't think it's occurred to her that you're Jewish."

"Great." Erik crossed his arms and scowled. "I don't know how she expects us to be normal."

"To start with, we're buying presents." Erik's brow furrowed. Presents? He didn't know how to buy presents. "Raven, Alex, stop ogling the puppies!"

Erik glanced at the two blondes. They were both hunched over a case, melting over something fluffy.

"But Mom!" Alex protested. "You let us have a cat!"

"Sofia does not think that loudly." Charles said. Erik paused for a moment to appreciate the full 'I can melt your brain' vibe coming off Charles. "Now I know you both want to buy presents on your own…"

"Yes." hissed Raven. There was a predatory gleam in her eyes.

"Here." Charles took out his wallet and began handing out bills. Erik could feel his jaw sliding open as Charles passed Alex a wad of hundreds. Judging by the dazed expression on Alex's face, he hadn't been expecting it either. "Raven, since you're buying gifts for Hank as well, here."

Charles produced a shiny black piece of plastic. Raven snatched it from his hand, with a look of glee on her face that would have terrified a lesser man.

"Bye!" She vanished into the crowds. Alex nodded at both of them and grimly entered the throng, with considerably less enthusiasm than Raven.

"Raven looked happy. How much money is on that thing?" Erik commented. Charles thought.

"Well, that's my overseas account, so…" Charles counted numbers in his head. "A couple million dollars, give or take a hundred thousand." Erik stared. Charles smiled benevolently. "Darling, my family owns Canada."

* * *

><p>"Wait, you've seriously never done this?" Sean stared at Raven. She shrugged.<p>

"The butler always just brought in a fake tree. But this is much more fun!" She smiled and turned to the enormous tree. "Hank, I think it's tilted to the left."

Alex, Hank, and Erik were all grappling with an enormous tree, trying to set it up properly. Something which Sean and Hank were the only ones with any experience in. Charles, whose wheelchair exempted him from having to fight with the pine, cocked his head.

"Erik, move it a little bit back." Erik complied. "Ah, that's perfect."

"Damn tree." Erik glared at the pine_. _"Is that it?"

"No!" Raven protested. "We have to decorate it! Right Sean?"

"Yep." Sean opened a box he'd dragged up from the basement. Charles had managed to find the boxes of ornaments by tracking down their old butler (now retired) and snooping in his mind, but he had no idea what was actually in them. "Oh, wow!"

The younger mutants crowded around the box. It was full of ornaments, lightly colored glass balls, spindly gold instruments, bright silver tinsel. Raven grinned and picked out a fake dove.

"I never knew we had this much stuff!" Charles frowned and thought.

"I believe that most were bought when Mother hosted a Christmas party here, and had to put up a tree." Raven giggled. "Yes, it was _that_ party."

"What party?" Erik asked.

"So there were these blonde twins and Charles-" Charles glared at Raven. "Nevermind. Hey, can we put on Christmas music?" Erik wanted to know what the hell those blondes had been up to with Charles.

_You know darling, it isn't seasonal to be jealous._

_Shut up. I don't celebrate the holidays._ Charles raised an eyebrow, as Alex yelled from the other side of the tree

"Dad! Can you lift me?" Erik sighed and boosted Raven up so she could reach a higher branch. He could practically hear Charles snickering in the background. Raven grinned down at him. "Thanks! Do you want to put some lights up?"

Erik sighed heavily. "Sure."

* * *

><p>"Hey, hey, Mom!" Sean grinned and held up a rather furious looking cat. "Look at Sofia!"<p>

Charles winced. Sean had wrapped tinsel around her neck in a makeshift collar, complete with a bell he'd pulled off another ornament. Erik stopped trying to string lights on the tree (apparently, it was smarter to put those on first) to laugh.

"Sean, you really ought to let the poor cat go." Charles thought it prudent not to mention that Sean was seconds away from decapitation. "We need your abilities to put lights on the rest of the house."

"Alright!" Sean dropped Sofia. She hissed (Charles learned a new word) and fled to the library.

"Don't electrocute yourself!"

**Come Christmas Eve…**

"Oh, wait, wait!" Sean was practically jumping up and down. "Can we open the presents I got now?"

"No fair!" Raven instantly argued. "We all have to wait until tomorrow morning!"

"But I got mine special, so that we could share them, and Mom pleeeeeease?" Sean turned his puppy dog eyes to Charles. "Mo-om! Can't you read my mind and see why we should open these tonight?"

Charles raised his eyebrows, but put a finger to his temple. The family watched as his expression went from shocked to wary to amused to fighting back laughter.

Surely Sean hadn't actually made good on his suggestion of holiday themed bongs…

"I think it's a reasonable request." One chuckling mind reader's approval and much ripped wrapping paper later, and they all knew it was far worse than simple themed drug use.

_Charles, what are these abominations?_

_Sweaters, darling._ Charles ran a hand over his bright red atrocity. An enormous reindeer with a bulbous nose was stitched to the front, complete with antlers than hung off the shoulders.

"See, I got Mom Rudolph because he's our leader, and Rudolph guides the sleigh!" Sean said excitedly, dragging his own gaudy bit of wool over his head. Sean's had puffy balls sewn on for no apparent reason, and swirls of gold embroidery that somehow clashed with his skin tone more than the maroon background. "And Dad's has a turtleneck-"

"The only redeeming feature." muttered Erik, fingering the massive snowflakes on the hem.

"And Raven's matches her skin-" the light blue fabric did have a passing resemblance to Raven's skin tone, but it was ruined by the snowmen emblazoned upon the corners. "And Hank gets a yeti because he's big and awesome, and Alex's all multicolored, just like his personality!" Sean beamed.

Raven gulped and poked at the two sizes too big mound of fabric. Hank held up his light green sweater, which had what he could best describe as dancing hairballs embroidered over the chest, in utter bemusement. Alex stared at the five million patches that made up his sweater, each with a different ornament drawn on.

"Dude…" He gaped at Sean. "You're gonna make all my gifts look lame!" He yanked it over his head. "This is the most badass sweater ever!"

"I know, right!" Sean high-fived him. Charles turned the rarely used but super powerful evil eye on Raven, who was staring at her sweater in abject horror. Hank seemed to have settled on a policy of not commenting and just going along with things.

Erik watched as Charles proceeded to, in the space of a minute, convince Raven that this whole thing had been her idea and she'd better go along with it, _using only his eyebrows._

Siblings were scary.

"It's very, um, warm." Raven said, after grudgingly putting on her sweater. Sean grinned at her.

"I know! And they're like, totally fireproof, I asked the saleslady!"

_Charles. I am not putting on this __thing._

"Sean, why don't you find a movie to pop in? Your father and I will fetch some hot chocolate and cookies." Janos had, in a fit of Christmas spirit, baked them enough cookies to feed most of upstate New York. "Erik, come along."

**About a minute later**

"This thing is horrible." Erik growled.

"Sean spent a lot of time picking these out, Erik. Everyone is wearing them because that's what families do, no matter how silly we all look."

"We're to bond over hideous clothing?" Erik began stacking cookies on a tray. Charles tutted as he mixed hot chocolate.

"Sean and Alex don't think they're hideous, and Hank thinks his is hilarious. You and Raven just need to learn to love them." Charles took the mugs Erik handed him and began pouring.

"But…"

"For heaven's sake, it's not as though anyone but Janos and Sofia will be able to mock you about it, and as soon as we convince Janos to just bring Azazel here for the holidays instead of poofing off, he'll be subjected too."

"But…"

"It'll be worth in when Azazel has to wear one, believe me."

"It's still ridiculous. I shouldn't have to wear one, I'm _Jewish._"

"Sean looked for a Hanukah themed sweater and couldn't find one, so you get dark green fabric and snowflakes, which have no bearing on any sort of religious tradition." Charles's mouth twitched. "At least yours doesn't have a mutated reindeer on it." Erik chuckled darkly.

"Oh but Charles, you rejoice in mutation."

"I suppose Rudolph could be used as an allegory for the mutant struggle…" Charles trailed off as they entered the living room. "Oh, dear."

Erik blinked at the somewhat predatory looking teenagers grinning at Charles and he. Sean looked up from his corner, where he was pouring over movies, and grinned. Hank was hunkered down on the couch trying not to make eye contact with anyone.

"What?" He finally snapped. Raven and Alex's manic smiles widened.

_Erik, darling, look up._

Erik looked up. There was yet another variety of pine hung in the doorway. This one looked vaguely poisonous, and had bright red berries.

"…and?" Raven and Alex exchanged looks. Sean giggled. Erik was mildly bewildered.

"It's mistletoe." Hank explained, looking as though he would rather be elsewhere.

"Great, the plant has a name."

"It's tradition!" Raven said gleefully. "If you're under the mistletoe, you have to kiss!"

Oh. That explained why Charles was rubbing his temples and the kids were watching with gleeful anticipation.

"I am _Jewish!_ I have no obligation to fulfill your strange traditions of plants named after missiles and appendages forcing intimacies! In fact-"

"Erik." Charles yanked on his sweater. Hard. Erik was brought down to the other mutant's level. "Shut up."

Eh, maybe not all of these traditions were rooted in evil.

* * *

><p>"Erik!" Erik grunted. "Wake up!"<p>

"Why?"

"I need you to help me bring the presents downstairs."

"…what presents?"

"The ones I had mailed here and stashed in the East corridor, the ones I had Hank pick up while everyone else was out shopping, the ones I bought at the mall while you were using the bathroom, the ones I bought at the mall while you were too busy complaining to notice what I was putting in the bags…" Charles shrugged. "And we have to do it now, before Sean wakes up and remembers that he's trying to catch Santa."

"…why do _I_ have to get out of bed?"

"Am I supposed to carry all of them by myself?"

A mere five minutes later, Erik was levitating a heap of presents (all _perfectly_ wrapped) out of a wing he hadn't known existed, and mentally cursing the billions of dollars which allowed Charles to spoil the children rotten.

_They're not even going to know what to do with all this stuff_

_Regardless, I intend to make them happy. Be careful not to step on Sean_. Erik glanced down at the ginger sprawled over the steps.

_You know, that wasn't a half-bad hiding place before he fell asleep and moved._

_See? Sean has learned things. He deserves the paintball gun set I'm giving him and Alex._ Erik froze. The havoc Sean and Alex would cause with paintball guns was too terrible to imagine.

_Tell me, are you __trying__ to get all of us killed?_ He stepped over Sean and down the stairs, levitating Charles down behind him.

_Nonsense. It will help them get some energy out._

_By destroying the manor?_

_They can use them in the bomb shelter only. Nothing will happen to the rest of the house._ Right. That was likely. _You can supervise._

_Oh, so this is just a plan to get me killed._ Charles's laugh rang in his head. Erik bent down to unload the presents in his arms, glancing at the tags.

**To: Erik**

Eh?

_Is that for me?_ He reached out to grab it.

_Erik! You have to wait until tomorrow, just like the kids. I'm sorry I didn't get to you soon enough for Hanukah, but you'll just have to bear with me._ Erik stared at the present. Brightly wrapped in gold paper, with a silver bow and a little tag. _Er-ik._

_It _is_ tomorrow, it's past two am._

_Oh, really? Well, I did have something else for you…_Erik coughed and blushed. That was quite a mental image Charles was sending. _How fast do you think you can get us both back to the bedroom?_

* * *

><p>Erik now firmly believed that Christmas was a time for miracles. Why? It was around six am, and not only were Sean, Alex, Hank <em>and<em> Raven all awake, they were all active and bright eyed.

"Ohmygosh, thank you!" Raven flung herself into Charles's arms. "You remembered!"

"Of course." Charles hugged her back. Erik eyed the sparkly white skates. "Your old ones are in no state to actually use."

"You can skate?" Erik asked. Raven nodded, her eyes sparkling. She'd perched herself on a footrest so that she was leaning on Charles's legs. He was on the couch cuddled up to Erik, who was sipping coffee and staring at the ridiculous number of gifts. Hank was sitting on the floor next to Raven, gleefully ripping the paper off a set of books. Alex was just staring, looking awed by the number of presents Sean was handing him.

Sean of course, was bouncing around them handing each mutant their presents.

Everyone was wearing the sweaters. Except Sofia, who was curled up inside a box that once contained a music box (Erik to Raven, and the way her eyes glowed when she saw it made the fact that Erik had almost revealed his mutation in a crowded store to get it worthwhile.)

"Oh wow, how did you even get this Raven?" Alex gaped at the signed baseball glove.

"You probably don't want to know." Raven giggled. "Dad, I got this for you."

"Huh." Erik began unwrapping a rectangular and messily wrapped box.

"You know, you _can_ rip the paper?" Alex pointed out. Erik blinked and did as Alex said.

"Huh." He unfolded a rainbow turtleneck. Charles began to laugh. "Well, it's very…colorful." Raven burst into giggles, hanging off Charles's knee. Erik rolled his eyes and put the sweater to the side. "Thank you Raven."

"Oh, and I got you this." She held out a smaller package. Erik opened it. "I thought you'd like it."

"Why, thank you Raven." Erik was pretty sure this watch was worth more than anything he'd owned in his life. Damn credit cards. Raven smiled.

"Hey!" Sean held up a record. "What's this?"

"The chipmunk song." Charles shrugged. "They seemed like something you'd like." Sean flopped down on the floor and giggled, beginning to unwrap his next present. "Erik, here."

Charles held out the little gold box. Erik raised an eyebrow.

"Sean, open mine!" Raven leaned over and hurled an enormous box at Sean, who yelped. Alex scrambled through the heaps of wrapping paper to inspect the damage. Hank put down his book to peer at them.

Well, it was the closest to privacy they were going to get. Erik opened the box.

A ring.

"I thought that since we've been decided as the mother and father, we might as well look the part." Charles said quietly. He was slightly pink. Erik smiled and slipped the ring onto his finger.

"I love it." He leaned forward to kiss Charles.

"Hey!" A package hit them both. "This isn't valentine's day!" Sean grinned maniacally. "And there are more presents!"

* * *

><p>"Gyah!"<p>

"Seriously, this is not cool!"

"Why are you so good at this?" Raven giggled and skated another figure eight around Sean and Alex, smirking. Alex shot her the evil eye.

"She always has been." Charles volunteered. He, having been bundled up in a coat and a blanket put over his legs, was sitting in the chair by the edge of the fountain. "And she's a real brat about it."

Raven giggled and jumped, twirling easily. The three boys (all of whom had also been given skates) glared at her. The blue mutant skated around the edge, brushing past Hank and twirling on one skate as she went.

"That's just because he sucks at it!" She tossed over her shoulder. Raven jumped and twirled again. "You should have seen him when we were kids…"

"Yes, I fell down constantly. Raven thought it was most entertaining to leave me in the center, hanging off the fountain, while she glided around the edges and laughed as I got on my butt and scooted to the edge." Charles looked at Hank. "Much the same as she's done to you."

"I have to sit down and slide out of here?" Hank said miserably. He was clinging to the center of the fountain they were using as an ice rink, having been lured out there and then abandoned. Raven giggled and did another jump.

"No. Just stay upright." said Erik, who was gliding smoothly along the edges. He caught Sean and pushed him back up as he passed. The ginger flashed him a grin before beginning to wobble again. "Let go of the fountain."

Hank tentatively let go. "Yaagh!"

"I told you to stay upright." Erik said, as Hank's skates dragged him forward. Alex snickered and hauled Hank up.

"It's not hard, doofus." Alex spun. Hank blinked at him.

"How do you know how to do any of this?" Alex shrugged.

"I used to play hockey when I was a kid. You know, back before I kept accidentally melting the ice." Alex zoomed forward. "Just keep your feet moving. If a six year old can do it, a graduate from Harvard ought to be able to."

"Hardy-har." Hank grabbed Alex's hand. "So that's why you got a set of hockey sticks."

"Yup." Alex glided around. "Sean, grab hold." The ginger gratefully took Hank's hand. Raven sniffed and leapt forward to make another eight. Erik continued to glide around them all.

"You know, that's unfair!" Sean called. "Dad is just controlling the skates!"

"He's also staying upright, which is more than I ever managed." Charles responded. He watched with amusement as the three boys completed another lap, both clinging to Alex. "Raven, taunting isn't very seasonal."

"But it's fun!" Raven giggled as she twisted.

"That depends on the perspective." Erik folded his arms behind his back and completed another lap, pondering. Charles's eyes narrowed. "Erik, don't you dare. Erik!"

His wheelchair was lifted in the air, and tipped forward, depositing Charles into Erik's arms. The metal bender chuckled and went back to gliding around the pond, ignoring Charles's protesting and the laughter of the children.

"This is highly undignified." Charles muttered. Erik turned sharply, making Charles grab the lapels of his coat. Charles sighed and rested his head against Erik's chest. "Though this is the longest I've ever stayed on ice without falling over."

"Were you that terrible?" Erik asked. Charles buried his head in Erik's shirt.

"Oh God, you wouldn't even believe it. Raven considered it her right to torture me every year…" He looked up at Erik, grinning. "Of course, you'd be just as bad if you weren't controlling the skates."

"I would not, and it's a moot point." Erik's mouth twitched as Alex dropped into a crouch, dragging Hank with him, and Raven leapt over their arms. Charles suddenly winced. "What?"

"The inevitable is happening." Erik shot him a strange look, and Charles nodded toward the boys. Alex had sped up, dragging a terrified looking Hank and Sean behind him. Charles grimaced, as Alex went straight for the edge of the fountain, then braked. Completely. Sean and Hank both went flying into a snowdrift.

Erik and Raven both burst out laughing. Charles muffled his snickers in Erik's coat.

"Hey!" Alex cackled and zoomed away. Sean and Hank exchanged looks.

"Erik, down!" Erik dropped before the flurry of snowballs could hit him or Charles. They caught Raven full blast, prompting a shriek and extreme retaliation. Charles laughed as Alex fell on his backside. "Oh, dear. Erik, can you remove their blades before someone gets hurt?"

"Gladly." Erik yanked the blades off the skates, just in time for Alex to dive bomb Hank. Sean bounded forward holding a handful of snow, with clear intentions to shove it down Alex's pants. "Should we stop them?"

"Short of mind control, I don't think it's possible." Charles settled himself more comfortably in Erik's arms. "Besides, it'll get some of the hyperactivity out of them."

"So you do acknowledge that giving four young ones that much chocolate that early in the morning was a terrible idea?" Erik began working his way to the wheelchair, dodging snowballs. Charles laughed. "Raven just tackled Sean, why are you laughing?"

"Sean's thoughts." Charles snickered. "He's very inventive. You three, no powers!"

"Sorry Mom." Hank and Alex replied in unison. Erik rolled his eyes when Hank immediately hurled a mound of snow into Alex's face. Alex's response was to spray snow at Hank.

Suddenly, a snowball hit the side of Erik's face. Everyone froze. Sean, who had been aiming for Raven, squeaked. Charles fought the urge to roll his eyes.

"We're all about to die." Raven whispered. Erik very deliberately put Charles down on a snowdrift.

"Good luck, darling." Charles leaned back and smirked. The kids all gulped. "You should probably run."

The onslaught began, and not one child had a chance. Those that hid were found (partially due to Charles being on Erik's side and feeding him information). Those that attempted to fight back were obliterated. Those that flung themselves on their knees and begged for mercy (Sean) had snow dumped on their face and then were given instructions to help hunt down the others.

* * *

><p>Therefore, it was a tired and happy bunch of mutants who sat around the Christmas tree hours later, sipping cocoa and eating cookies. Hank was deep in a book. Sean was doing his best not to fall asleep. Raven had given up and was sprawled over Charles's lap, one hand clutching her new shark-shaped stuffed animal. Alex was laying on his stomach next to Hank, feet waving in the air as he poured over the instructions for his new model car.<p>

Erik had an arm around Charles and was reading, glancing at Charles every few minutes. Charles's head kept dropping onto his shoulder, despite the cup of tea he'd been drinking earlier.

_You know love, that was a pretty good Christmas._ Erik leaned down to press a kiss on Charles's lips.

_Agreed. _

**A/N: I LOVE Christmas. And I decorated my tree today! And I wrapped tinsel around my dog's neck as a new collar, and he was a very good boy and puts up with the new nickname "Sparklepup" (my mother. Not me.) and my cats were all hanging around being adorable eating the remnants of the turkey. And I've already started my Christmas shopping, and I've already baked (and eaten, with help from friends) a batch of Christmas cookies, and sldkjgfog I love this time of year. **

**The ice skating scene is what happens when I watch Ice Princess. Also, everyone should go to youtube and search "X-Men: First Class- The Chipmunk Song". That video is made of awesomeness. **

**Review? Plus I have, for once, NO IDEA what the next chapter of this should be about, so I'm totally open to suggestions! Please?**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Hiii. Remember when I last updated this? Me neither. But I have now, and I feel so accomplished. Who says that I can't write canon XMFC? (Me, mainly)**

**Also, Alex Gonzazlez (Riptide) called XmenFC a love story. And he talked about not-judging ourselves and accepting ourselves and believing in yourself and creating your own path and he said it all in a sexy accent. Can we just take a moment to appreciate this man? **

**Disclaimer: I don't own MARVEL. **

Sean Cassidy was many things. A boy. A ginger. A mutant.

Oddly enough, the most common description of him tended to be along the lines of "trouble."

Sean, of course, had no idea why people would put such an adjective upon his innocent head.

"Hey Janos." Sean shoveled pasta into his mouth. "Can you make brownies?"

"Si." Janos shrugged. "If your parents do not object."

"Of course they don't care. Mom is off modifying Cerebro and Dad is lurking next to Mom being intimidating, it's what they always do! You should make brownies." Sean cocked his head. "Or cookies. Or hey, what about pancakes?"

"...I believe that it is long past the hours of breakfast."

"Janos." Sean leaned across the table. "You should know by now that the best kind of breakfast is the breakfast you eat for dinner."

"We are having these pancakes for dinner now?" Janos tipped his head to the side. He had been under the impression that the bowl of pasta Sean had just consumed was the boy's dinner.

"That's a great idea!" Sean grinned. "I'll go find Alex and Raven and Hank and we can have a pancake party! We can have fruit and whipped cream and maybe some ice cream, and we can all eat outside on the deck. _Oooh_can we also have bacon? We should have bacon!"

"Are you sure that Professor and Erik would like this?"

"Of course they would. Everybody likes pancakes. I'll be right back, can you start on the...the...whatever takes longest?"

"...okay." Sean bolted away. Janos shrugged mentally and began measuring out flour, comfortably assured that should this be against the wishes of Erik and Charles, the telepath would step in and request that he stop.

The fact that said telepath was currently quite occupied with testing Cerebro and therefore avoiding contact with anyone's mind did not occur to him.

The doors to the kitchen flew open with a bang. Janos didn't even have to look up to know who it was. Only one person was capable of making the act of entering a room tantamount to a small explosion of sound.

"Awesome, we're having pancakes!" Alex hopped onto the counter and snatched a strawberry. "Can I have chocolate chips in mine?"

"Alright! I love pancakes!" Raven lunged around him and popped a blueberry into her mouth. "Hey, so can you put blueberries in some for me and Hank?"

"Hank and I." Alex corrected. He blinked, looking somewhat horrified at himself.

"You need to spend less time with Mom." Sean decided. He had somehow, while Janos wasn't looking, managed to get the spoon and was licking batter off. "Can I have chocolate chips like Alex?"

"...si?" Sean grinned.

"Awesome!" He and Alex highfived. "So, what do we do to help?"

"Sit in the corner and don't touch anything." Janos had learned very quickly not to let these...creatures into his cooking. Sean bounced back, still licking the spoon rather noisily. "Especially Sean."

"No fair!" Sean protested. "I can be useful!"

"Name _one time_you've done something useful around here." Raven demanded.

"...well, you guys don't do anything useful either!" Sean shot back.

"I cook." Janos pointed out.

"Yeah, he cooks!" Raven puffed up her chest. "How dare you question Janos's integrity or value to our group! Without Janos, we would starve, or be constantly subjected to the instant microwave meals!"

"I wasn't questioning him, I was talking about you and Alex."

"Dammit. That always works when Charles does it." Raven thought. "Well, I do things like...like...I wash windows. Yeah, that's right. I wash all those stupid stained glass windows that are all over the manor! And Alex fixes stuff that Dad doesn't get a chance to fix!"

"Yeah, but he also breaks all that stuff."

"I do not!"

"You broke the stairs!"

"_You_were the one who said that we didn't really need snow to ski!"

That was technically true, and Sean still thought that the experience of bumping down stairs on two narrows pieces of metal had been fun and character building. And they hadn't _actually_broken their necks. Mom and Dad had totally overreacted.

"Well fine." Sean sniffed. "If my ability to persuade our wonderful chef into making pancakes is unappreciated, then you don't have to eat any."

"We weren't saying that." Alex said quickly. "In fact, I really have nothing to do with this argument at all. Hey, can we have canadian bacon too?"

"...si." Janos pulled out a different pan. "You three should probably go make sure the deck is clean and doesn't have any bird poo on it though. You know, make it sanitary."

"Eeew." Raven wrinkled her nose. "C'mon guys, I don't want to eat pancakes in bird poo."

"Exactly." Sean said in a superior tone. His point was proven. Whether anyone else knew what the point was and how it related to hygiene was debatable, but Sean knew and that was the important thing.

* * *

><p>"...what are you doing?" Charles, not for the first time since allowing young mutants into his mansion, stared at the wreckage and wondered where he had went wrong.<p>

"Eating pancakes for dinner." Raven, who was perched on the edge of the deck with her feet waving, shot them a wide and somewhat messy smile. "It's like seven o clock."

"And the late hour didn't impress upon you that this isn't the time for pancakes?" Erik inquired. He grimaced as Sean squirted more whipped cream onto the monstrosity on his plate. "It's hardly nutritional enough for an evening meal."

"Yes it is!" Sean piped up. He took a bite. "You shee, mere's fruit an dairy in da whipped cream, mm grains!"

Charles and Erik glanced at each other.

_I speak five languages, and I didn't understand that._

_Neither did I, but I believe he's trying to argue for the healthiness of pancakes._

_Moron._

_Be nice. Sean is very intelligent, but I think he's had an entire can of whipped cream. His brain isn't functioning at 100%_

"So." Erik said out loud, surveying the children. "You've all eaten?"

"I'm not done." Alex burped. "Totally not done."

"Isn't it a bit cold for eating on the deck?" Charles shivered. True, the snow was mostly off the ground, but that didn't mean that it was exactly comfortable outside. Erik draped a coat over him. "Thank you darling."

"But Mom." Sean whined. "We haven't gotten to do stuff outside for ages."

"Yes you have, you fly around for hours all day."

"But that's training! Training isn't the same as...as..."

"Recreation." Hank supplied. Despite having entered the scene at the same time as Charles and Erik, he already had a plate stacked with pancakes and bacon. And he was pouring syrup on it, which Charles just knew would be a disaster with his fur. "Sean is right."

"Yeah!" Sean grinned and leaned down to squirt a pile of whipped cream onto the deck. Charles and Erik watched, somewhat dismayed, as Sofia lapped it up. They bought the cat gourmet cat food, fed her on china (that may have been because Hank kept accidentally using her old bowl to hold specimens) and what happened? She ate cheap whipped cream off the floor.

_Ungrateful animal_

_I have to say Erik, I agree with you. Though it is cute._

_Really, Charles?_

"I take it that all of you are full?" Charles said with a sigh. Raven shrugged as she picked another blueberry off her plate. Alex burped again. Sean giggled. Hank did not look up, consumed as he was with his mound of bacon. "Erik, I believe we may be having pancakes for dinner."

"That's unhealthy." Erik said darkly.

"Professor, Erik!" Riptide appeared in the doorway, looking sheepish. "Did this not have your approval?"

"No." Erik barked. Janos winced.

"I'm afraid not, but since it's started..." Charles smiled slightly. "Erik, could you fetch me some pancakes? Blueberry ones, please."

* * *

><p>All over the Xavier manor that night, things which did not precisely comply with the Xavier Code of Ethics were happening.<p>

Erik was hiding the syrup in one of his bedside drawers. He had plans for that syrup.

Raven was throwing darts at a dartboard with a picture of a snowflake on it.

Hank was using every bit of nasty language having occasional contact with CIA agents had taught him as he tried to get his fur to stop sticking together.

Alex was in hysterics outside Hank's bathroom.

Sean was stalking. He wasn't sure what he was stalking yet, but by God, he was stalking.

In his study, the Professor himself was in deep thought.

"Charles, are you coming to bed?" Erik leaned against the doorframe.

"I was thinking. Erik, do you really believe the kids are getting restless cooped up in here?"

"In this place?" Erik snorted. "Have you seen it? I don't think it's possible to be cooped up anywhere with over 50 rooms."

"I'm being serious." Charles batted Erik's hands away when Erik tried to grab him. "We could go on vacation somewhere."

"That would a bit..." Erik was going to say expensive, but thought better of it. "I think you're spoiling them."

"Oh pish posh." Charles sorted through a few papers. "They're great kids, one vacation won't change that."

"They live in a castle." Erik grumbled. "Life is a vacation."

"They _train_for hours a day in this castle, and it's really not that impressive. Our house in England was bigger." Erik didn't even want to contemplate that. "I suppose we could take them to London or Paris."

"No!" Sean bounded into the room with a shriek. Erik twitched.

"Young man, if and when we go on vacation, you will be grateful that Charles and I care about you kids enough to spend Charles's money on your happiness." Erik said sharply. Sean flushed.

"Sorry. But we shouldn't go to London! It's cramped and Hank wouldn't be able to have any fun! We should to a _beach!_" Sean blabbered. "We could drink coconut milk and get tans and play in the water and build sandcastles!"

"We'll think about it Sean." Charles said calmly. "Now it's far past time for you to go to bed."

"Oh, I can't sleep." Sean said cheerily. "My eyes won't close."

_Have you ever checked the sugar content of whipped cream?_

_No, and I'm rather afraid to._

_You knock him out, I'll carry him upstairs?_

_Good plan. I'll see you in our room._

"And see, that's when I realized that I couldn't stop jumping up and down, but I thought I would break my bed since I know you guys accidentally broke yours that one time so I stopped and I decided that I would go wander around the castle like James Bond and then I thought of how cool it would be if James Bond could fly and then...then..." Sean's eyes slipped shut. Erik caught him.

On the way upstairs, Erik told off Alex for laughing at Hank's pain, ordered Raven to quit doing whatever she was doing and go to sleep, and did not laugh at Hank's pain, because that would have been unfatherly.

By the time all this was done, Charles had managed to get himself snuggled up into bed quite nicely.

"Really Charles, a beach?" Erik asked, sliding in beside him.

"I don't think it's that bad." Charles yawned. "I have to clear up a few accounts first, but I'm sure it wouldn't be hard to find a nice little bit of beach private enough for Hank and Raven."

"But a beach? Are you sure that's..." Charles wound their fingers together.

"Erik. Provided we are not surrounded by the armies of two countries intent on wiping us off the face of the earth, I think I shall manage. And I'm sure that if we are, we can take care of it. Now go to sleep." Erik wrapped an arm around Charles's waist and drifted off to sleep.

* * *

><p>In another corner of the Manor, a separate conversation was taking place.<p>

"But querido, it's a nice place." Janos loosely held Azazel's hand. "It really is."

"Bah." Azazel grumbled. "I don't see the point of it."

"The Professor and Mr. Lensherr are far nicer when they're together, trust me. Charles doesn't do any of those mind tricks Emma always thought were so funny, and Erik doesn't look nearly as menacing up close."

"Mmphf." Azazel looked unimpressed. "I prefer to be free as ze wind."

"To do _what_?" Janos sighed. "Az..."

"Ze mansion, it's not for me." Azazel flicked his tail over it. "Far too...domestic."

"I like the domestic." Janos looked mournful. "At least stay the night."

"Baht..."

Unknown to many, Janos had a secondary mutation. Or at least that was what Azazel had believed since he first met the man, many years ago. And it was a power far mightier than mere winds. Janos's eyes expanded, their chocolate brown depths becoming deeper and deeper, as his lips formed a delicate little pout.

"Fine. Just for tonight."

* * *

><p>"Hey, new guy!" Sean walked into the kitchen that morning with his usual bounce. Not even the sight of the dark red man chopping fruit while Janos sipped coffee could take away the bounce. "Who are you?"<p>

"Azazel." Janos provided. Azazel grunted.

"Hey, are you using your _tail_to chop stuff? That is so cool!" Sean peered closer. Azazel eyed him. "What's for breakfast?"

"Fruit." Janos said.

"That's it?" Sean wilted.

"The Professor and Erik were not enormously pleased at your sugar intake last night. So, healthy breakfast." Janos shrugged. Sean swiped a piece of cantaloupe.

"Okey dokey." He plopped down at the table. "Hey Azazel, do you get feeling in your tail?"

"…yes."

"_Cool._Can you like, hold lemonade with it and do other stuff with your hands?"

"...yes."

"That is the best mutation ever." Sean gaped at him.

"...yes."

"Why are you even awake?" Alex stomped into the kitchen. Azazel swept half of the chopped fruit into a bowl and passed it to Alex. Alex dumped himself into a chair and began to eat with his eyes half closed.

"Because it's morning!" Sean said cheerily. He began eating Alex's fruit. "Mornings are a beautiful thing!"

"Are you still on sugar high from last night or what?" Alex growled.

"I think he might be." Hank offered. The furry mutant padded into the kitchen and frowned at Azazel. "Um, hi?"

"Morning." Hank cautiously took the bowl of fruit Azazel shoved at him.

"Er, do Mom and Dad know that we've got _two_members of the Hellfire club here?"

"We do?" Alex looked up blearily. He yelped. "When the hell did the red dude get here?"

"While you were comatose." Sean poked his head into the fridge. "Are we out of milk?"

"There's some in the back." Hank said. He kept a wary eye on Azazel as he sniffed his fruit.

"Thanks." Sean popped the top off the carton and began to slurp.

"Sean. We are civilized people, please restrain yourself from drinking milk out of the carton." Charles wheeled into the kitchen with Erik on his heels. "Good morning children, Janos, Azazel."

Hank noted with some relief that neither Charles nor Erik seemed at all perturbed by Azazel's presence, which meant that his breakfast probably wasn't poisoned. He began picking out the grapes and flicking them at Sean.

"Where's Raven?" Hank asked.

"I believe she's coming downstairs now." Erik cocked his head to the side, listening for the patter of footsteps. Sure enough, Raven shambled into the kitchen, accepting the bowl of fruit from Azazel with no more than a surprised blink.

"Well, now that you're all here, Erik and I have an announcement to make." Charles said. The kids focused on them. "We thought that it was quite possible you really have been in the manor for a bit too long, so we thought we would take a short vacation."

"Vacation?" Alex looked completely awake now. "Where?"

"The beach." Sean whooped.

"Where?" Raven looked excited. They hadn't been to a beach in ages.

"As it happens, I own a beach house on a little island off the Gulf of Mexico." Charles smiled serenely. "It's not a very big island, but it's isolated and the house has all the modern conveniences. I think we could spend a very nice couple days there."

"Awright!" Alex highfived Sean. "I haven't been to a beach in forever!" He winced. "Um, I mean, a happy beach."

"Relax, Alex." Charles turned to Azazel. "Azazel, as it appears you'll be staying here some time, I wonder if we might utilize your mutation for transportation? It's far easier than chartering a private jet, and I'm rather curious as to what the sensation of teleporting is like."

"He is happy to help." Janos said smoothly. "When shall we be leaving?"

"Whenever everyone is packed."

* * *

><p>"Hey, Alex, have you seen my swim trunks?" Sean shouted down the hall.<p>

"Yeah!" Alex poked his head out of his room and tossed a pair of bright green trunks down the hall. "They ended up in my drawers."

"Thanks!"

Such episodes were going on throughout the manor.

"Has anyone seen my super-grip brush?" Hank called down the hallway.

"I've got it!" Raven yelled back. "Does anyone know where I left my flip flops?"

"I don't understand." Erik muttered. He was standing at the base of the stairs with Charles, listening to the shouts. "They were perfectly organized _before_we told them to pack."

"I have absolutely no idea." Charles sighed. Erik and him were already packed. Of course, Charles couldn't claim any credit, since he'd hung around and chatted with Azazel about world travelling while Erik loaded a suitcase. "You remembered to pack yourself something other than turtlenecks, right?"

"Yes Charles." They listened to the shouts (the most memorable of which being "Has anyone seen my protoplasm samples?").

"You realize that you know where all these things are." Charles commented.

"Of course I do." Frankly, Erik didn't understand why all of their idiot children didn't. The sandals had been deposited beneath the iron in the 3rd closet in the east wing, Alex's trunks were hanging off the porch where he'd left them after the memorable "skinny ice fishing" incident, and Sean's sunglasses were on his desk. Obviously. "But I think it wiser to let them find their own possessions. It helps teach responsibility."

"You have a point." Charles checked his watch. "Thank God we don't have a plane to catch."

"Mmm. We should keep Azazel around."

"Give Janos some time, I'm sure he'll accomplish it eventually."

In time, the children did come downstairs, all packed, albeit messily.

"Right, Azazel, you know the coordinates?" Charles asked. Azazel nodded.

"I'll go first." Erik volunteered. He shot Azazel a dark look. "And if we arrive anywhere other than Charles's beach house..."

"Death and dismemberment." Charles rolled his eyes. "I think Azazel understood that the first few times you told him, Erik."

"Just making sure." Erik grabbed Azazel's shoulder. Janos and Azazel exchanged a look.

_If he kills me, it will be entirely your fault_

_Well, don't bring him to the wrong coordinates then. _

Charles muffled a laugh in his sleeve as Azazel and Erik disappeared, leaving behind only a wisp of smoke.

* * *

><p>Azazel, just for the record, was only sticking around because Janos had pulled out the puppy dog eyes <em>yet again<em>and promised him sex on the porch of the "beach house".

Bah. Beach houses were little pastel houses with peeling paint and thatched roofs, not sprawling Southern estates that happened to be on an island. Also, Azazel was still unsure of how the Professor had gotten it stocked with surfboards and beach chairs and whatever else.

"Whoohoo! Do another one!" Ah, and there was the other reason Azazel had chosen to stay. It wasn't every day he got to see Janos shirtless and knee-deep in sparkling water, using his powers to create ten foot waves.

"Alex! Be careful!"

"Crap!" _Splash._"Er, sorry Janos."

Azazel scowled at the blonde child who had just fallen off the surfboard and onto Janos. Alex scrambled to his feet, holding out a hand to haul Janos up.

"Really sorry." He looked sheepish.

"Perhaps it is not wise for you to be teacher?" Janos pushed his hair back. Alex shook his head.

"No way! I used to be really really good at this." Alex grabbed his surfboard. It was bright yellow, clashing horribly with his hair. "I just need some more practice."

Janos, whom Azazel viewed as outstandingly tolerant and compassionate mutant, smiled and began to generate another wave. Azazel appreciated the view and resented the presence of the small ones.

Red demon mutants aside, the beach was surprisingly peaceful. It was a clear day, without a cloud in the sky (causing Alex to pounce on Janos and demand waves). Charles, after giving a half hour lecture about the importance of sun-screen, was lying on his stomach on a towel, deep in a novel. Erik was rubbing sunscreen into Charles's back, having pointed out that Charles was ridiculously pale and probably more susceptible to sunburn than any of them except Sean, who had been lathered up three separate times.

He was also, of course, keeping an eye on the kids, because the fact that they were teenagers didn't mean they weren't capable of drowning themselves in two feet of water. Hank was wandering along the seashore collecting "specimens". Erik, who knew perfectly well that Hank was actually just grabbing pretty shells at random, chose not to comment.

It was Raven, Sean, and Alex he was concerned about. Alex, who claimed to be good at surfing, had taken it upon himself to teach his fellow mutants about the wonders of balancing on a thin wooden board while huge amounts of water crashed about one, all for a two minute adrenaline rush.

Erik thought that sounded somewhat fun, in a juvenile way. But it was more entertaining to watch.

"So, you hit the point where you're basically steady, and then you get to your knees, then your feet. Slowly." Alex was sitting on the horrendous yellow surfboard, wearing his horrendous blue swimming trunks with explosions on them. Raven had managed to find herself a black board and was paying close attention to what Alex said. Her black swimsuit, which according to Raven was "grandmotherly", had been the only suit Charles would let her out of the house in.

Erik considered it a thousand times better than Sean's lime green trunks, but his interjections had been met with the idea that if he interfered, he wouldn't be getting any beach-sex at all.

He winced as Sean fell off his surfboard again.

"No, you have to bend your knees." Alex paddled up next to him and helped Sean back onto the board. "See, look at Raven." There was a loud splash. "Okay, bad example. Fine, watch me." Alex signalled Janos for a wave.

"Have you noticed recently that we really have excellent children?" Erik asked Charles. Charles looked up from his book.

"It's come to my attention a few times." He watched fondly as Alex helped Raven onto her board for the third time. "Isn't surfing a bit dangerous though?"

"Janos is right there, and I'm keeping an eye on it." Erik assured him. "Oh, look. Raven's almost got it."

"Hmpf." Charles shot a disapproving look at his sister. "I'm glad this beach is private."

"Prude."

"Oh, I'm really not." Charles flashed Erik a grin, eyes twinkling. "And just in case you're wondering, that beach house _is_soundproofed."

"Oh really." Erik drew his fingers over Charles's shoulders. "So, if I was to suggest that at some point today we leave the kids to their own devices and mark the beach house as our own..."

"Hey, Mom! Dad!" Erik raised his eyes to the skies as Hank skidded up to them. "I found a clam!"

"Oh, really?" Charles propped himself on his elbows and held out a hand. He yanked it back as a large purple tongue slid out of the grey shell. "That's...a tad disconcerting."

"Can I keep it?" Hank grinned. "I want to take it back to New York and study the genes."

"Hank, put the poor creature back in the sea." Erik ordered.

"It wouldn't be very happy at our home." Charles added. "Clams like the oceans."

"Fine." Hank sighed and hurled the clam back into the ocean.

"Nice arm." Erik was sure that was the first time Azazel had spoken since they settled into Charles's beach house. Hank smiled cautiously at the red mutant. Erik wondered whether he should be proud of Hank for overcoming the fact that last time he saw Azazel he was trying to kill him, or worried about how easily his children let down their guards.

"Thanks." Hank flopped down next to Charles. "The beach isn't so bad. I mean, it's going to be hell getting this salt out of my fur, but other than that this is nice."

"Looks like the other kids have decided to take a rest." Charles commented. Alex and Raven were both lying on their boards, arms dangling in the water. Sean was still sitting upright, but he was splashing his feet in the water. It seemed as though they had, for the moment, given up on the quest to understand surfing.

"You know, I haven't seen you in the water." Hank commented. He stretched. "Don't you like swimming, Dad?"

Erik had the feeling that his masculinity had just been challenged.

"I guess I'll go join them then." Erik got to his feet, tugging off his shirt. Admittedly, the shirt hadn't been buttoned in the first place and was mainly a formality, but he still enjoyed the feeling of knowing that Charles was watching his ass through the black swim trunks.

"Daa da. Daa da. Daada. Da da da da da da." Hank began to hum.

"Hank?" Charles shot him a worried look. Azazel took up the hum. Janos, who, having been relieved of wave duties, had flopped down on a towel beside Azazel, joined them.

"Something just touched my leg!" Sean's legs shot out of the water. Raven and Alex both bolted up, drawing their legs and arms out of the water. Alex grabbed the edges of his board and peered into the water, readying a blast. Raven, being wise, cupped her hands around her mouth and prepared to yell for help as loud as she possibly could.

It was in vain, for her board flipped over before she could take in a breath. Sean and Alex's boards followed almost immediately after, and those on the beach watched in mild amusement as it dawned upon the youngsters that it was, in fact, only their father messing with their heads, and the situation regressed into a water fight.

* * *

><p>"And that's Camelopardalis, the giraffe." Charles pointed up.<p>

"Stozhary." Azazel flicked his tail towards a bright cluster of stars.

"I thought that was Pleiades?" Charles angled himself to better follow the line of Azazel's tail.

"Not in Ukraine." Azazel flicked his tail to the side again. "There's the fisherman's hook."

"I don't know that one." Charles sounded rather surprised.

"I got it from a fishzerman in Russia. The coattails of a rich man were transformed to a hook after he refused to let a fish eat them." Azazel paused. "Makes more sense in Russian."

"I suppose so. Erik, you realize you should be paying attention to this?" Erik blinked down at Charles. His telepath was cuddled between Erik's knees, lying against his chest. "You don't know anything about astronomy."

"I'm making sure the kids don't light themselves on fire." Erik glanced across the beach, where Alex and Sean were struggling with matches. Janos, who was on his stomach watching Azazel and Charles chatter about astronomy, ignored the younger mutants and focused on trying to remember constellations.

"Sean, you're striking them the wrong way. That's why they won't go!"

"No, you're just doing it too hard!"

Erik rolled his eyes. "I swear, they're competent under any other circumstances."

"They're just tired." Charles shrugged. "Leave them to it."

"And your reluctance for me to get up and help has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you don't want to give up your pillow?" Erik asked dryly. Charles looked up at him innocently.

"I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about Erik."

Meanwhile, by the nonexistent campfire, teamwork was not prevailing.

"Maybe if we did two at a time?" Sean suggested.

"Doesn't anyone have a lighter?" Raven poked at the pile of wood with her marshmallow stick. She had never actually been at a beach bonfire before, and was working on popular legend.

"Nope. Mom's random beachfront property came with everything _but_a helpful way to light a fire." Alex tossed the now nearly empty packet of matches in the air. "Think we could rub sticks together or something?"

"We could ask Dad for help. I bet Dad knows how to do this in his sleep." Sean propped his head on his hands.

"No. That would be to admit surrender." Alex frowned at the sticks. "Does flint show up on beaches?"

"Guys!" Hank bounded up.

"Where have you been? We needed your brain!" Raven said.

"Solving the problem." Hank held up two vials.

"...whazzat?" Sean voiced all of their thoughts.

"Glycerine and potassium permanganate." Hank rapidly mixed them and tossed them onto the wood, and suddenly...there was fire. Alex, Sean and Raven all stared.

"Huh?" Again, twas Sean.

"And you mocked me for bringing my chemistry set." Hank said smugly. "Mom, Dad, I started the fire!"

"Good job." Erik got up, picking Charles up with him. He set him down on a chair next to the fire. "How did you end up doing it?"

"_Science_." Said Hank, in a lofty tone.

"Well, I applaud your ingenuity." Charles tugged Erik back down and snuggled back to his chest. "So, kids, explain to me again what this is?"

"I can't believe you've never had a s'more before. What depraved land did you grow up in Mom?" Sean shook his head sadly as he speared a marshmallow.

"High society." Charles said, looking amused. "We had wine tasting parties, not cookouts."

"Sad." Alex shook his head. "So sad."

"It really is." Sean turned his marshmallow over, concentrating. "You would have made the best boy scout ever."

"Wait, were you part of the boy scouts?" Alex stared at Sean, oblivious to the way his own marshmallow was blackening.

"You weren't?"

"They seemed to think I had an attitude problem."

"You weren't either?" Sean directed at Hank. Hank shrugged.

"Too much...um...nature."

"You're all Un-American." Erik, Azazel, and Janos all opened their mouths. "Yeah, yeah, I know. A s'more is when you put marshmallow between two graham crackers, one of which has chocolate on it." Sean whipped his stick out of the fire and slid it between the graham crackers he had prepared.

"And you willingly ingest this." Erik's lips twisted.

"It's good! I made the first one just for you guys!" Sean held it out to the two of them. Charles took it dubiously.

"Well. If you say so." He took a bite. "Erik, this isn't half bad."

"Hmm. We'll see who's throwing up at the end of the night and who isn't."

"I will try a samore." Janos said. Raven passed him a stick. "Is there a specially way to prepare?"

"You gotta figure out your own style." Sean said sagely. He was cheerfully eating a golden-brown marshmallow off his stick. Alex, who was licking charcoal off his fingers, nodded in agreement. Janos began roasting.

"I zhink zhat I shall go." Azazel got up. Janos sighed as the mutant teleported away. Raven patted his shoulder sympathetically.

"Yeah, Charles used to disappear at fancy parties all the time." Janos didn't think this was the same, but accepted the sad pat.

"Da!" Azazel poofed back in. Janos smiled.

"Why'd you pop off?"

"Chocolate supply vhas running low." Azazel proved to be quite helpful that night. Apart from being able to teleport back to the house to get water/more food/jackets/blankets, he and Sean had between them an impressive repertoire of campfire songs. (Erik's murder ballads were rejected, and Charles thought it wisest not to share any of the songs he learned in college bars.)

* * *

><p>The next day was spent reminding Charles that he really didn't like beaches.<p>

"Children, is this really necessary?"

"Yes." Raven dragged her bucket of water next to his head and began to slap wet sand over her turret. Charles rolled his eyes. "This is going to be amazing."

"It already is." Erik commented. Charles would have glared at him, but the castle walls were already over his head.

"This isn't funny." Charles was rather glad he couldn't feel his feet. They had apparently been turned into the gateposts.

"You said they needed to express their creative side instead of just getting into fights." Erik said. He, being safely not-buried, was supervising. "Burying you in sand while you were napping then building a castle around you seems quite creative to me."

"Joy." Charles frowned. "I suppose at least I can't get a sunburn from here."

"Nothing shall harm you." Erik grinned. The shark teeth were oddly normal looking when in a beach setting. "It would have to get past the moat."

"Moat?"

"Yeah!" Sean popped up and flashed Charles a smile. "Alex and I are digging a huge moat around you, and we're going to connect it to the seashore, and you'll be your own castle!"

"Is quite impressive." Janos was sitting on a chair on the other side, wearing sunglasses and watching.

"Ya." Azazel, also wearing shades, nodded.

"Hey, Mom." Hank appeared in Charles's vision. "Do you want your walls to have Atlantic Augers on them, or coquinas? I have lots of both."

"Either." Charles frowned. "You will get me out of here before the tide comes in?"

"Have some faith." Erik got up. "Now, I think I'll have to help Raven with your matching turrets, she needs a refill of wet sand."

* * *

><p>On the third day, it rained.<p>

"What's the point of being at the beach if it rains?" Raven demanded. She glared out the window. "I wanted to go swimming!"

"Yeah." Alex grumbled. "I was going to surf."

"I guess we have to play board games." Sean glanced over the table. "Um, guys, I don't want to play _that_."

"That" referring to the current game of chess being played between Erik and Charles. Raven could never figure out whether it was just a really intense game of chess, or if they were secretly having telepathic sex. It was something she tried not to think about.

"Don't play chess with Charles. It isn't worth it." She walked over to the closet where the games were kept. "So, there's scrabble..."

"Not playing that against Mom and Dad." Alex said flatly.

"Clue?"

"Such _work._" Sean groaned.

"Monopoly?"

"No. Way." Hank wasn't actually bored. He had been smart and brought a book. "Never ever play Monopoly with anyone in the same tax-bracket as the Starks. It's a recipe for disaster."

"Ooh, here!" Raven pulled out the last game. "Yahtzee!"

"We're so lame." Sean muttered.

"Anyone else know how to play poker?" All heads whipped towards Erik. "I packed cards."

"I learned a couple versions in jail." Alex said. Azazel and Janos, who had up to that point been hanging out in the corner discussing god knows what, pricked up their ears.

"Seven card stud." Erik got up and moved over to the round table, where the rest of the kids were sitting. Charles made a disapproving noise.

"We aren't letting Mom play are we?" Sean looked perturbed. "Because that's just not fair."

"Don't worry." Charles said dryly. "Gambling is one of the vices we Xaviers have managed to avoid, and I'm certainly not about to start sanctioning it now."

"We can still play right?" Hank had put down his book and sat down next to Erik. Charles and Erik exchanged a long look.

"...as long as you don't bet money, I suppose there's no real harm in it." Charles said reluctantly. "I'm going to head off to my room and read. Erik, let go of my wheelchair."

"No." Charles crossed his arms as the chair slid backwards across the room, and then deposited him in Erik's lap. "I need a good luck charm."

The game commenced.

"There are so many productive things I could be doing right now." Charles grumbled. "But instead, I'm being held prisoner by a metal wielding maniac."

"I see your laundry, and raise you one dish-washing session." Sean laid a slip of paper with the chores scribbled on it into the center of the table.

"Fold." Hank said quickly. "I hate dishes."

"Coward." Raven smirked. "I raise you all one vacuuming of the foyer."

"Oh, well played." Alex whispered. "Same for me."

"All in." Erik laid down his cards. Alex and Raven groaned. Sean winced.

"You've got to be helping him." Raven glared at Charles suspiciously. "Erik's won everything he hasn't folded, he even made Azazel and Janos drop out."

"Have you considered that Erik spent many years of his life financing his travels through crime and gambling, and that all of you have terrible pokerfaces anyway?" Charles sniffed. "Besideswhich, you should trust my integrity."

"I stopped trusting your integrity when we were twelve." Raven glared at the pot. "Fine. Deal us again Erik, I've still got some left."

"I'm out." Sean raised his hands. "I'm going to go to my room and get a sudoku instead."

The funny thing was, the desire for sudoku was really quite normal. One of those normal occurrences which Sean had the power to twist into accidents. Sean was simply walking along the hallway, when it occurred to him, quite out of the blue, that he didn't know where they kept their spare pencils.

There was a door to his right. Sean figured that, seeing as doors in the Manor at New York often led to whatever he needed (he'd found out that there was an entire closet full of old paintings, just when he wanted to try splatterpainting and needed inspiration), it was only logical to open it and find out what was inside.

"Oof!"

Huh. Sean was reasonably sure that he didn't need a shirtless demon who'd apparently been using his tail to remove Janos's shorts, but he would take it. Janos went as red as Azazel and lunged for his shirt, while Azazel began spluttering.

"Do either of you happen to have a pencil on you?"

"Vhat?" Azazel stared at him.

"Hey, don't worry about all that." Sean waved his hand over their general state of disarray. "Trust me, we've caught Mom and Dad in much more compromising positions than this. Never go into their room without knocking. Ever."

Or the library without knocking. Or the study. Or the bathroom. Or the other side of the hedge.

"Plus, Hank and Alex now owe Raven and I twenty bucks." Sean looked triumphant. "We _told_them you two were a couple, but Hank kept blaming everything on us being bamboozled by accents and you know what? I'm badass enough to not need that pencil. I'm going to do my sudoku with a pen."

Azazel and Janos stared as Sean sauntered down down the corridor.

"In Russia, people are sent to gulags vhen zings like zhat happen." Azazel finally said.

"Still sure you don't want to stay?"

* * *

><p>The rain did eventually stop. It left the ocean perfect for surfing, as far as Alex was concerned. Even Erik was dragged into walking along the surf, with Charles in his wheelchair floating behind him.<p>

And they finally got around to having beach sex. Three times.

But all good things had to come to an end (even though, as was pointed out by the children multiple times, they actually had no obligations to not hang out by the Gulf of Mexico for another few days) and so, this was the last day of their beach goings.

"Whoohoo!" Sean grinned and waved his arms, board wobbling beneath him. "Guys, I did it!"

"Alright!" Alex air-fived Sean from his wave. "Mutant power!"

"Technically, that would be the power of positive thinking and concentrated effort, really nothing to do with mutation, though I am of course exceedingly proud of your achievement." Charles added. He had been induced to get into the water and was sitting on a surfboard with Erik. Erik rolled his eyes.

"Ignore him...Charles." Erik felt an uncomfortable sensation start in the pit of his hollow. Charles stiffened, peering at the horizon.

"Hey." Raven paddled up to them. She'd been swimming, having donated her board to Charles and Erik. "Is that a boat over there?"

"I thought we were the only ones on the island." Alex frowned. "I thought that you owned like, this whole part of the ocean."

"I do." Charles's eyes flashed. "Kids, get inside."

"Why?" Raven blinked at him.

"Now." Charles's tone brooked no arguments. Alex and Sean began splashing back. "Hurry."

_What is it?_Erik asked. His hands curled into fists, feeling for the metal in the boat. It was coming closer very quickly.

Erik hadn't spent most of his adult life in combat for nothing, and it was perfectly clear to him when someone was trying to run him down.

_Bigotry, and perhaps it would be wiser for you to take your hand off my waist, if we want to peacefully convince them that nothing is wrong and they should go about their daily lives without hate crimes. And perhaps explain that drinking and driving is dangerous._

_Fuck that._Erik held up a hand, and the boat came to an abrupt stop, nose pitching down and almost flinging the men driving it into the ocean.

"Get 'em!" One of the men slurred. "Get 'em and get the little ones."

Charles's eyes narrowed.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Get the li'l muties!"

"Quite apart from the fact that you are trespassing on private property and I'm well within my rights to sue you, you do realize that any one of my _fantastic_ mutant children is more than capable of absolutely destroying you, and the only reason that none of them has done so is because their moral standards and general iq levels are higher than your own?"

The humans on the boat – now that Erik could see them, they all looked florid faced, unshaven and generally uneducated – affected expressions of confusion. Erik snickered.

That was probably not the wisest of actions.

"Get em!"

Erik ducked down, pulling Charles with him. His reflexes saved them both from having a beer bottle shattered against their heads.

"That. Is. It." Erik moved his hand sharply to the left. The boat lurched.

_Erik..._

_Relax. You're going to wipe their minds, I'm just going to wreak their boat, take every valuable thing they have and then give them a few bruises. I'm assuming that's far less than what they intend to do to our children._

_Carry on._ Charles was glaring at the group, who seemed to be frozen in place. _I do believe I need to do a bit of re-education here._

* * *

><p>Alex was sitting on the couch with his arms slung around his knees and Sean on the floor, heading leaning against Alex's bare feet. Raven was curled up with her head on his shoulder, occupying the tiny piece of couch that Hank left. The beast was on the couch on her other side, one paw fiddling with a conch shell he'd found earlier that day.<p>

Janos and Azazel were on either side of the door, braced against attack.

"Relax." Erik stalked in, Charles floating behind him. The children all froze.

"We took care of it." Charles smiled at them as reassuringly as he could.

"You're sure?" Hank asked.

"Have some faith." Erik said. "I assure you, anyone who wants to hurt any of you doesn't get within fifty feet of you with Charles I around."

The kids all looked relieved, and Charles and Erik shared a look.

_Poor kids. This isn't exactly the best way to spend a final day of a vacation._

_We can salvage it. _Charles eyed the kids. _I'm sure there's a way._

"Okay, move me over there." Charles was floated to sit next to the kids. "Now. Listen to me. You are all brave, strong, and far superior to those men in ways that have nothing to do with your genetics. Are you really going to let them ruin your vacation?"

"Besides." Erik clapped Hank's shoulder. "I turned their boat into a statue of an enormous cat and embedded it in their lawn."

"Wait, you did what?" Sean scrambled around to get a better view of Erik.

"It was made of metal, and we certainly weren't going to let them keep it."

"That's awesome." Sean stared at him reverentially. "That is so awesome."

_I give them inspiring speeches, and I get nothing. You decide to make a vehicle into modern art, and suddenly you're the cool parent._

_I've always been the cool parent._

…_you're probably right._

"So." Erik walked around to couch to ruffle Alex's hair. "How do we want to spend our last night here?"

"Can we go swimming?" Raven asked.

"At night…" Charles hesitated. The force of the children's pout was turned upon him. "Well, if you father is with you, and Janos keep an eye out for any rogue tides."

* * *

><p>"Whoo!" Raven splashed on her back with a giggle. "This is so fun."<p>

"Don't go out too far." Erik swam past her.

"Yes Dad." Raven dove under and surfaced again, her hair slicked back.

"That's true." Alex said. His pale blonde hair looked almost white in the moonlight. "How do you think fish talk to eachother?"

"They don't?" Hank suggested. He was quietly glad that none of the others had started teasing him about the fact that his fur was plastered to him.

"Of course they do." Sean splashed over to them. "In fish language."

"Dad?" Hank looked at Erik.

"There is no reason that fish shouldn't speak to eachother in their own language."

"There. People can talk to eachother underwater." Alex said smugly.

"Nu-uh." Hank shook his head.

"You know, you could just do an experiment." Raven dove past them. "Everybody get your heads underwater. I'm going to say something."

Erik watched in mild amusement as all four sank down. As an afterthough, he plunged down.

"_Bughobluhghluhhhug."_

"Anyone get it?" Raven asked. Sean shook his head. Hank, looking pleased, shook his. Alex reluctantly shook his head. Erik shook his head. "There. Hank is right." She pushed herself back so she was floating. "You are all such idiots."

"What did you say?" Sean asked.

"Not telling." Raven smiled at the night sky.

"Okay, kids." Erik looked toward the house. "You've had enough swimming. Your mother wants you back in the house."

"Okay." Alex yawned against the back of his hand and began paddling toward shore. Sean followed him, and Hank went after, shaking himself like a dog. Raven dove down again then back up again, flipping her hair over her shoulder.

"So." Erik asked, as they were getting out of the surf. "What did you say?"

"Just…" Raven blushed. "Just that this is probably the best family vacation I've ever been on."

"Me too." Erik put an arm around her shoulders and half-hugged her. "Now, promise not to stay up late reading."

"Yes Dad." Raven grumbled.

* * *

><p>"I've realized what the problem with vacations is." Charles said. Erik blinked at Charles over the chessboard.<p>

"What?"

"Now they don't want to ever work again." Charles paused. "And Sean wants to go to actual skiing."

"Well, that's…you own a house in the alps, don't you."

"I'm afraid so."

"Damn. Do you think we could use it as a reward if the kids actually do all of their schoolwork? Azazel's teaching them all Russian, and none are particularly enthused with his essays."

"Good idea. How does the end of august sound to you?"

**A/N: So. How was it? I think I included almost everything that was in people's wonderful suggestions for things to write. Also, I still don't know what the next chapter is going to be, and if people have ideas *eying the reader* there's a review button right over there. **

**But review even if you just want to tell me in which ways I failed. I will love you anyway.**

**Ps: We're just going to ignore the fact that Hank is humming the jaws theme like 10 years before the movie came out, mmkay?**


	6. Chapter 6

**Phrases from various peoples which Charles Xavier really hears far too often.**

**A/N: I was going through my files trying to get rid of things, and came across this little gem (which I assume was written back when all of those "Shit people say" videos were circulating) and really didn't think it worthy of it's own fic, given that it is perhaps 3 pages long and probably the most pointless thing I've ever written. This seemed the only semi appropriate place to put it, and I do think it mildly entertaining. So er...enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own MARVEL. I just have a brain that chose to produce lots of pointless sentences, and then I put them on the internet.**

**Raven:**

"Charles, can you please stop having nicer hair than me?"

"Charles, you need to pick some stuff up from the store for me. I don't _care_ if you're a guy!"

"Charles, I need your credit card."

"Charles, can I have a cat?"

"Charles, sweater vests are really passé."

"Charles, you really should use your billionaire influence to get me John Wayne's autograph."

"This doesn't show too much skin!"

"If you don't, you'll turn into a shriveled old man by the time you're twenty five."

"Charles, can I borrow the car keys?"

"If you don't let me, Erik will."

**Alex:**

"Um, Professor, where's the fire extinguisher?"

"Hey Prof., do you know whether or not hair gel is flammable?"

"Professor, could you explain this thingy Hank told me about?"

"Raven is wrong, your cooking is _totally_ better than prison food."

"You know, in prison they didn't make me read."

"Hey, can you fix this game console?"

"Um, Professor, how soundproof is the bunker?"

"Hey Professor, how many weird labs and bunkers do you have in this place?"

"Can I have twenty bucks?"

"Professor, when's dinner?"

**Hank:**

"Professor, I spilled some acid."

"Professor, there's a splinter in my foot and I can't get it out."

"Professor, may I borrow some of your hair? It's for an experiment."

"Professor, how do you feel about this modification for cerebro?"

"Professor, who do I call to unplug the drains?"

"Professor, do you have a vacuum cleaner around here?"

"Professor, I broke the vacuum cleaner."

"Professor, could you do me a huge favor and collect some urine samples for me?"

"Professor, will you please tell Alex to _shut up?_"

"But professor, it's for science!"

**Sean:**

"Oh no, Professor, you really shouldn't go in that room for awhile."

"You were totally right about Erik not responding well to sudden bangs…ow."

"Professor, you really shouldn't eat those brownies!"

"Wanna see me do something cool?"

"Please hide me!"

"Um, Professor, how attached were you to that window?"

"Professor, where do you keep the bandages?"

"Smell this."

**Erik:**

"Why aren't you naked?"

"Want to play chess?"

"Charles, your naivete is toeing the line between annoying and adorable."

"Charles, I really think you've had enough to drink."

"No thanks Charles, I think I'll just wear a turtleneck today."

"Now this joke is a bit off color, but Alex thought it was funny…"

"You actually have a room for that?"

"No Charles, I don't feel that my actions were a tad extreme."

"Would you like to drag Hank from the library, or shall I?"

"Charles I swear, I'm trying to do something here and if you don't stop projecting…"

"What do you mean that was _my_ thought?"

**A/N: Uh, if you want to review, go for it.**


End file.
